Dear readers, we don’t know ourselves how Nora Imlau manages to do it again and again, but no two of her books are the same and her readers simply find aha moments and real relief from their everyday situation in every book. Her new book Was Familie leichter macht is being published at a time in Nora’s life when she is expecting her 5th baby, almost two decades after her first child. Naturally, we wanted to know more about this.
Dear Nora, it sounds very exciting for you at the moment, your first child is moving out, your 5th child is on the way and your new book baby has just been published… do you ever get dizzy?
Of course, it’s actually all far too much at once to really process. But there is also a very special magic in this simultaneity: this is what rich, full life feels like!
The book is called: What makes family easier and one chapter is dedicated to your famous saying „Morally neutral“ – would you like to briefly explain it to anyone who doesn’t know it?
Very gladly. The term moral neutrality was originally coined by KC Davis, an American therapist who realised in her work that many people are incredibly burdened by the high moral weight they attribute to every everyday decision, no matter how small.
For example, we often have a guilty conscience when we take our clothes straight from the laundry basket instead of the wardrobe, even though we are not harming anyone. But we have internalised that good people fold their laundry neatly and put it in their wardrobe, so we feel wrong if we don’t do this. Davis now says: „Where we keep our laundry is not a moral question, but a practical one – whatever makes us feel good is allowed.“
I have applied this idea to our modern family life, in which we also constantly feel guilty – whether it’s because our children have been allowed to watch TV for longer or because we’re having tinned ravioli for dinner today. However, none of these things harm anyone as long as the framework is right – so they are also morally neutral.
This pragmatic view of resources and ways to relieve pressure without excessive moral baggage can help families to focus on the essentials in everyday life with their child or children: An attentive, appreciative interaction with each other. The way we treat our children is not at all morally neutral. For me, there are very clear moral standards, such as non-violence and equality.
A reader who was interested in your new book wrote to tell you that she was worried that, as is so often the case in family books, the book says that it takes a village to raise a child, but she doesn’t have that village…
Yes, of course, this is often a popular standard tip that can be found in many parenting guides: Build a village! Accept help! Don’t do it alone! That’s basically a good idea, but many families simply don’t have this supportive village and ultimately have to manage their everyday lives alone – and then of course it hurts when you read everywhere that you should get the grandparents involved.
That’s why it was very important to me to compile relief ideas in my book that are not dependent on a supportive social network, but that parents can also implement on their own – for example, if they are a single parent and can’t count on the support of another parent.
You say that some parents have too high ideals and are very insecure when it comes to parenting, where does this come from and how can you encourage them?
I believe that it’s good to have high ideals, but we have to be careful not to be broken by our own expectations. We are a generation of parents who have acquired an incredible amount of knowledge from developmental psychology and brain research and want to implement this knowledge in our own upbringing, but in doing so we quickly become victims of our own perfectionism, which our meritocracy has instilled in us. This is why it is so important that we learn not to turn valuable knowledge into rigid dogma.</p
Modern science can help us to develop a new perspective on children’s needs, but we are absolutely allowed to be imperfect when dealing with these needs – this is part of evolution and certainly not an individual failure!
You say: „A secure childhood and tinned ravioli for dinner are not contradictory“. What other generosity do you have in store for us?
As families, we are allowed to do so many things that often feel forbidden to us because we are trapped in old beliefs. We are allowed to spend whole days in our pyjamas and allow our children more media time than officially recommended. We are allowed to stand up to intrusive demands, whether they come from our children’s school or from their grandparents.
We are allowed to dress our children in bed in the morning under the warm duvet or let them sleep in their clothes for the next day. We are allowed to be soft and gentle and loving without fear of spoiling our children or teaching them to be independent. At the same time, we can maintain our personal boundaries, say „No“ and „Stop“ and „Stop, I don’t want to do that“ and allow our children to experience frustration. The main thing is that the relationship is right and our child feels and knows: I am unconditionally accepted, safe and loved here.
You are advocating that we shouldn’t moralise about our own sources of strength either, so how do we get rid of our damn guilty conscience as a mother (or get a better grip on it)?
In our very performance-orientated society, we tend to view even our leisure activities in terms of value creation: That’s why sport, which after all is for physical exercise, is considered a morally superior hobby to, say, playing computer games. And when mothers sew or bake in their free time, they feel less lazy than when they sleep or watch their favourite TV series. But our breaks are for our relaxation, not for further self-optimisation.</p
Of course we can go jogging or bake yeast plait during our breaks if it makes us really happy. But we can also do nothing at all, or play on our mobile phones, or listen to audio books, or do whatever it is that relaxes us – and have used our break just as well, because the purpose of a relaxation phase is precisely not to serve any purpose. That’s why every leisure activity is equally morally neutral.
You say „eating is just eating“ and putting the kids to sleep doesn’t have to become a sleep cramp… if you could make one thing in your family easier at the touch of a button, what would it be?
At the moment, I would love to get rid of every sibling dispute at the touch of a button, because it’s simply very demanding. At the same time, I know that children acquire very important conflict resolution skills in the process. That’s why I’m still a peace mediator and referee in one.
I’m also very interested in the chapter on hobbies without ulterior motives, because I keep hearing that children are being pushed in one direction or another and should also „perform“ please…
Yes, just as we find it difficult to view our own leisure time as morally neutral, we often also judge our children’s hobbies by their external impact. We are proud when our child learns to play an instrument or successfully practises a sport, and quickly feel ashamed of hobbies such as gaming, nail design or, for my sake, reading dark novels.
There are a lot of attributions of meaningful leisure activities behind this, which can put a lot of pressure on families, because children naturally sense when we view their passions and interests with great suspicion or even openly reject them. This quickly makes them feel rejected themselves. That’s why it’s so important that our children are allowed to pursue hobbies without ulterior motives, simply because they make them happy – no matter how prestigious or unconventional they are.
You also focus on love and the relationship between the parents in the book, how can this lead to more ease in everyday life?
The parents‘ loving relationship is the starting point for most families and the basis of our family life – at least at the beginning. Then the question is: do we manage to keep this love alive and nurture it in stressful everyday life, or does it get lost in the maelstrom of demands?
I think it is important to show that it is not selfish to attach great importance to your own love relationship even in the turbulent everyday life of a baby or toddler and to actively look after it, even if this sometimes leads to certain frustrations for the child. It is so precious when children experience how parents cultivate an appreciative love relationship with each other. And such a well-maintained relationship can in turn give rise to such strength, especially in difficult times, which is such a valuable resource.
That’s why I’ve summarised in my book what parents can do specifically to maintain their love in everyday life. At the same time, I also emphasise that not every relationship is worth saving. If, for example, belittling is part of everyday life or love has been lost for other reasons, it is very important not to stay together because of the children. A break-up from an unhappy relationship can also be a great liberation for children.
What do you wish families overall for more serenity in their everyday lives?
I wish families the courage to go their own way that suits them and their child or children. We need to realise that an incredible amount of parenting advice is based on standard children and standard parents. But we are incredibly different: in our gifts and talents, our stress limits, the way our brains and nervous systems work.
That’s why we need very different strategies to organise our family life in a way that feels good for everyone involved. In other words, we often have to free ourselves from judgements about what a child really needs to be able to do at what age and what we as parents should or should not do.
And look instead: Where does our child really stand? What is suitable and developmentally appropriate for this unique person and what resources can I personally use to give them what they need? This is how we find individual ways of being a family. And that can bring a lot of serenity and relief.
