Dear ones, the most important thing you can give children is love. I think we can all agree on that. But how do lives develop if that’s exactly what’s missing? How can you pass on love yourself if you never experienced it as a child? Sandy got in touch with us, she describes herself as a shadow child – she always felt unseen and unimportant as a child. We talked to her about it.
Dear Sandy, you responded to our appeal about shadow children. In other words, children who feel disadvantaged and unloved. What kind of family did you grow up in?
I grew up in a medium-sized town, my parents didn’t have a happy marriage. They didn’t split up, but it was clear that the marriage wasn’t happy. My mum didn’t work and my dad was the deputy chief of the professional fire brigade in my home town. I also have a younger sister.
How would you describe your childhood?
I have few lasting memories from my childhood. I got through school with mediocre results and without much support from my parents. My mum never studied with me or took an interest in my grades. I was lucky that my father is very well known in our town due to his professional position and therefore got me an apprenticeship, which I certainly wouldn’t have got otherwise due to my grades.
A characteristic of my childhood and youth is that there was no emotional support in the family. If I had problems, I dealt with them myself. We didn’t talk about feelings. I – probably have no close bond with my sister because of this.
Describe situations in which you didn’t feel loved
I can’t remember my mum ever giving me a hug or telling me that she loved/liked me or anything like that. I remember sometimes standing next to my parents‘ bed at night crying because I’d had a bad dream. My mum didn’t comfort me or calm me down, she just sent me back to bed. It was the same when I hurt myself. There was simply never a comforting, loving gesture. There was no emotionality.
What did that do to you as a child?
You’d think I would have withdrawn more and more. But it wasn’t. I really vied for my parents‘ attention. I craved so much love from my mum.
Were there other people around you who made you feel understood and accepted?
I received a little bit of attention from my grandma, my father’s mum. She lived in our house and I was often there as a small child. I now know that my mum didn’t have a good relationship with my grandma and also suffered from the situation of living in a house with her.
What was it like when you were a teenager or a young adult?
As a teenager, I had a lot of arguments with my mum. The issue was exacerbated during this time by my mum’s cancer and unsuccessful breast reduction. After that, she completely hid behind the illness and took on the role of victim. When I moved in with my current husband in my mid-20s, the relationship didn’t get any better.
I only started to realise that something was wrong with me in my mid-30s and then sought psychological help.
Have you ever told your parents that you don’t feel loved?
I’ve never spoken to my parents about it. After a family constellation, I had the motivation to get to the bottom of the cause of my mother’s behaviour. I asked her a few questions about her past, but I hardly got any answers. When I became pregnant, I had the feeling that our relationship was improving.
However, the big disillusionment came when my daughter was born. I developed an abscess after 5 weeks and had to have emergency surgery. As I couldn’t contact my husband, I called my parents from the hospital to ask them to look after my daughter. As I later learnt from the nurses, my mother was unable to calm my crying daughter and my father then arranged for my daughter to stay with me in hospital after all. To this day, my parents have no interest in my daughter.
To-what-extent does-your-unloving-childhood-influence-you-today?
My relationship almost broke down because I find it very difficult to show feelings. I was simply never taught to talk about my feelings. When my husband wanted to leave me for another woman, I started to work on myself. Through the family constellation, I was able to get rid of most of the huge rucksack that my mother had put on me when I was born and this paved the way for my daughter. I already feel that I can heal the wounds of the past a little through my child.
How is your relationship with your parents today?
The relationship is very distant. I rarely get in touch, sometimes my father calls and then puts my mum on speakerphone. I hardly speak to my mum anymore. When I wish her a happy birthday (as a courtesy), we only exchange a few words.
What do you do completely differently with your child than you used to?I actually do everything differently. I give my daughter everything I missed in my childhood in abundance. I want her to feel loved and seen. I want her to know that I’m there and that we can talk about anything.
Photo: Pixabay
