Dear ones, of course we parents shape our children. On the one hand, of course, how we treat them, but also through our own character. The way we grew up, the role model we experienced as children and our relationship with our partner also play a major role. Gabriele’s father was always quite strict and dominant, her mother was much younger. Here she explains how she experienced this as a child and what she thinks about her parents‘ relationship today.
Dear Gabriele, your parents have a big age difference. How old were your parents when you were born and how would you describe their relationship?
As I am the first of 4 children, both were still relatively „young“. My mum was 20 and my dad was 33. With my brother (child number 4), my mum was 35 and my dad was 48. I always felt like all the decisions were made by my dad. My mum was kind of like another child in a lot of things. As was often the case in the 80s, they had a clear division of labour – husband earns money / wife takes care of the children and household. My father is a very strong character and I don’t think my mother found it easy to assert herself due to her lack of life experience“.
Describe your parents‘ character and what role they played towards you„
My father comes from a farm and grew up doing a lot of hard physical labour as a post-war child. He already had the role of patriarch in our family. What dad says counts. At the same time, he was also very loving, which you might not expect from someone of that generation. But in return, he also demanded that we co-operate. It started very early on with cleaning joints in the yard… later chopping wood… sweeping the street every Saturday…etc.
My mum comes from a home where alcohol and domestic violence were the order of the day (until she was 12 and her parents separated). I think she always wanted her own children to have her own „whole“ family. As the eldest child, I never knew my mum without an infant or toddler in her arms… that was her thing. She did arts and crafts with us and was active in children’s groups (toddler group, children’s gymnastics).
Did you realise as a child that your dad was older? What did you think of that?
In primary school, it was an issue for the first time. I always had the oldest dad and the youngest mum, which was special and not really a big deal. When my parents had their fourth child, I was already 14 and I was kind of embarrassed that I had such an old dad who was now having offspring again.
Was your father different to the fathers of your friends?
As a child, I never felt that my father couldn’t do things for me that other fathers did because of his age. But when I compared him to the fathers of my friends, I realised that he was just different in his way. There was always something to do (garden, house, school), there was rarely time to do nothing. My friends didn’t have as many or as few chores at home.
Did you feel that your parents understood you as a child?
Funnily enough, I sometimes had the feeling that my father understood me better than my mother (or had more time for me). My mum was always very busy with the little kids, so I did a lot on my own… but when it came to getting help with school, for example, I always went to my dad.
What was your relationship with your parents like as a teenager?
I think my teenage years were a difficult time for everyone involved. My father was always very strict and we had to help out a lot. And as a teenager, you can’t imagine anything better than sweeping the street on Saturday mornings after being out on Friday evenings. I always had the feeling that my father didn’t begrudge me the fun. But I guess he just didn’t know any different. That was the biggest difference to my friends… they were allowed to sleep in and were responsible for their room at most. I already had a lot more responsibilities at 15.
As a teenager, I also noticed for the first time how my parents‘ relationship sometimes didn’t work well at all. My mum was now in her mid/late 30s and sometimes had her own ideas, wishes and ideas, which didn’t always go down well with my dad. He was used to everything going his way.
And how do you see it all today as an adult?
As an adult, I know that on the one hand, I benefit from having so many tasks because I can simply do a lot (cutting down trees, connecting lamps, digging foundations, mowing the lawn, …) but on the other hand, I now realise that constantly „doing something“ has also made it very difficult for me to relax. When I sit on the sofa, I have a guilty conscience…
When I was in my late 20s, my father retired (early). At the time, my mum had just started working again for the first time in her life (at reception in the gym). It became very clear that they were at different points in their lives.
My mum met other women of the same age through her job and was out and about while my dad looked after the vegetable garden at home. And it’s still like that today. My father is now 75 and his age is showing. My mum is about to retire and actually wants to travel and experience things. But my father is no longer enthusiastic about it… and now that all the children are out of the house and they would have time, they can’t enjoy it together.
Have you ever talked to your mum about the age difference and how she felt about it?
As a child, I probably asked once… but not later. If you know my mum’s history, you know that marrying my father was also a bit of a rescue to a better life. And when they met, he was still young in his early 30s. Today I know that she’s often not so happy anymore. But that’s not just because of the age difference, but also because they have totally different interests.
Could you imagine a relationship with a much older man?
My husband is six months older than me and I am so happy that we are getting „old“ at the same time. Retiring at the same time and not having to party every weekend.
That’s why NO, I can’t imagine it. But there are also couples for whom it works wonderfully. My classmate married a man who is 17 years older and the two of them are very happy.
And as a „child“ I would say that the age difference has less influence than the origin, the upbringing of the parents by the grandparents and the relationship between the parents. My brother, who is 14 years younger, would certainly describe the whole thing completely differently, because my father was already really old with him…
