Dear ones, I want to talk to you today about the end of the compatibility discussions. I know you’d much rather read about problems and arguments here in our Teen Time column (it’s always much better clicked, anyway), but I think we can always use some nice, good and encouraging things in these turbulent times (that’s how they feel for most of us right now, isn’t it?!).
There were times when I thought: This will never end. This heteronomy. This having to discuss freedoms. And also this counting up to some extent. You went to the gym last weekend, I mopped the kitchen again and changed nappies… You’ve never given up your boys‘ weekend since you were born, do you know the last time I went out with the girls? Does that sound familiar?
[Note: This is about negotiating in relationships, I’ve never been a single mum, which is of course a completely different matter, and it’s often precisely these discussions that lead to crises or break-ups, after which there’s no more negotiating and everything is carried on just two shoulders. If any of you would like to share your insights on this – please get in touch. In the following, however, we will continue with the distribution on four shoulders]
And then you get to go out and are actually far too tired… and have an internal battle between: Going out energises you vs. You’ll never get back the sleep you miss out on… Oh man, all those questions: who gets up at night? Who will take the next sick days? And anyway, where are we as a couple in all this negotiation?
The mental load? Who’s going to put up with all the WhatsApp groups in daycare centres, school classes or clubs? Who organises children’s birthdays, gets presents, plans holidays, thinks about the MOT, goes shopping, thinks up meals, makes appointments with Ergo or Logo, decides on the kids‘ media consumption…
And: How do you talk about all this without coming across as a frustrated stay-at-home mum, how do I explain that I would also like to simply have a coffee with a colleague while three children under three accompany me to the loo and I’m actually busy every day saving the lives of three little people over and over again, stopping them from running off the playground onto the street, reading through parenting guides in the minimal moments that open up with help and, as it were, in a permanent and vital further education programme.
Am I doing everything right? And what if not? What if all the children have a shadow later? Because of me? Our minds are racing, we’re on a merry-go-round and as most of us can barely get off it during the toddler years, these thoughts are often our own. Fathers can raise children with less of a guilty conscience, I once read in a book and thought: How nice would it be if mums could just raise their kids without a guilty conscience too? But I digress.
I wanted to say: No matter what situation you find yourself in: It doesn’t stay that way. The other day, we drove past the TummelDschungel, a play paradise for children and a nervous hell for parents, and we thought: Crass, back then we thought this was our life now. And it was only a tiny sliver of life that we spent there. I often went there on holiday (children have 12 weeks and parents only 6, you can’t talk about this bad planning often enough) with my laptop in my luggage to do my „home office“ there – WHILE HE COULD JUST GO TO WORK COMFORTABLY. That’s how it sometimes felt back then.
The end of the compatibility discussions
And today? We have our self-determined lives back most days. We can talk about trivial things like „What are we hungry for today?“ as if this child chaos tsunami had never rolled over us đŸ˜‰ I can make AFTERNOON APPOINTMENTS again because I no longer have to constantly play mum taxi. I can decide whether I’d rather go to the gym in the morning or in the evening because I can usually organise my working hours as a self-employed person.
We can simply go to the museum together in the morning or go hiking while all the children are still asleep. And if we parents are away in the evening or for a weekend, nobody has to cook in advance or organise babysitters. Yes, the other night I set an alarm to pick up the kids from a party, but otherwise we can sleep through the night. We no longer have to work out who was away when and how much, who carries how much mental load.
With some questions the children go to dad, with others to mum. For some activities and holidays, we can still get them to join in, but not for others. We can discuss all daily topics and the news of the day at eye level and thus gain many new insights into the world of the next generation. Our children don’t get into daily sibling fights about who has more muesli in their bowl like they used to.
They are now all surviving on their own and yet they are not completely out of the house. And I would be absolutely delighted if one or two of you were simply looking forward to this time. Contrary to all the warnings, it doesn’t have to be terrible, on the contrary, it can be wonderful. When you look at what these little whirlwinds have become. In which direction they develop. What they are interested in – and what they are not interested in at all. When you can look back at them from this distance and think: Wow, who would have thought it would turn out like this…
P.S. I know that there are also serious problems in other families during adolescence – with boundary violations, consumer or addictive behaviour or health problems. And I know that there are also many caring parents reading here whose children will not be able to go through life independently as teenagers. I am thinking along with you, but in this case I have reported subjectively from my family to encourage all those who are perhaps looking forward to growing up with some fear, even though it may be very similar for them. If you would like to tell your own story here to become visible, please get in touch.
