Dear ones, last week I shared a reel in Instastories in which a very clever man says that unconditional love means that we love someone regardless of their performance, simply for their BEING. It’s about the person, not about their actions, about the core inside, not about outward appearances. I believe we should start with the best.
Many of us already love our child, even though we don’t even know them yet. There is a deep connection – even before we can see, hear or smell our child. We love them because they are. Without knowing their character or that they have to show, deliver or achieve anything in return.
And doesn’t a lawyer who represents a criminal (ok, hard cut, but extra!) first refer to the core, the person, not just the act? Isn’t it written in our law that everyone has the right to be defended?
Are not all people equal before the law and entitled to equal protection under the law without distinction? Isn’t everyone entitled to a fair trial in the event of a criminal accusation? Isn’t human dignity inviolable?
A slightly less blatant example perhaps: the love of football clubs. Once you’ve really lost your heart to a club, you can’t get away from it. Regardless of the team’s performance. We get annoyed about refusing to work on the pitch, about bad transfer decisions, but we never doubt our fundamental love. Through good times and bad. Through thick and thin.
I think that love for the club can also be wonderfully transferred to the support of our growing children in their youth. Yes, they may turn the odd corner – but sometimes that also leads to a win. Maybe someone trips over their own legs, and then it’s up to us whether we boo the person or help them up again. Are we supporters? Do we remain supporters?
It’s still the same club or the same child, even if it might be a phase in which we don’t recognise it. But why not try something new? Surprise the opponent, irritate them, take a different approach? Perhaps this is the tactic that will help everyone move forward. Courage and a desire to try things out are allowed.
And no, I don’t always assume the worst first. I always assume the best first. No child is born a bully who just wants to annoy their parents and needs to be „moulded“ first. No club enters the league with the aim of losing as often as possible or injuring as many people as possible. It’s about progressing together, setting an example, team play, mental and physical capacities.
So when several 17-year-olds are baking muffins here at home, my first comment is not: „Well, YOU’RE going to clean up the mess now“, but rather „Wow, how cool are you, who came up with the idea, where did you get the recipe?“If the child says that they want to go on holiday with the gang next year, the first comment is not: „Well, have fun earning money so you can afford it“, but rather: „Hey, it’s great that you’re up to it, who’s cooking and let’s think about how that could be financed, because how great, great, great“.
Starting with the best
We should try not to always start from the worst, but from the best first. Of course, I understand if this is not the case because trust has perhaps been disappointed more than once. When factors such as addiction, secrets, neurodivergence or more play a role and it’s not always so easy to be optimistic. And yet I still like the mind set that has confidence, that is happy, that is a fan and supports.
I read a nice saying at the beginning of the week that somehow made me think. It went like this: „The antithesis of compulsion is not freedom, but connection.“ What do you think of it in this context? (And please listen to the song „Ding Südkurv“ at your leisure, I have to cry every time the carnival is played, because yes: we are allowed to be our children’s biggest fans!)
