Dear friends, here’s a „Where are you?“ setting, there’s a Snapmap to see where the children are right now. Somehow, you get the feeling that it’s part of the deal. And if you don’t do it? But Anna doesn’t want to track her children; she rules out apps like that for herself because she was allowed to grow up very freely. But the question is, why is she so alone in this…
Dear Anna, our children are growing up differently than we did. Back then, weInterrailing through random clubs in Italy and calling home once a week from a phone box to say we were still alive, today’s parents track their children’s every move. What’s your take on this?
To be honest, I find it a bit strange. Fortunately, my childhood and adolescence were wonderfully mobile-free. I was born and raised in Bonn – not a big city, but not a village either. We used to hang out in large groups of children – it was clear that we had to be home at a predetermined time. We had a key to the flat, and if our parents weren’t home when we got back, we stayed home alone and waited, or we went to a friend’s house – after quickly writing a note to say where we were, of course.
During my adolescence and teenage years, I had similar experiences to those you described above. We went on week-long trips with a youth group to Sweden, France, etc. – there were no telephones there… My mother once told me that if the children don’t get in touch, everything is fine. Later on, when we went out partying, we would say goodbye, tell our parents our approximate plans for the evening (or not) and then we were out of reach until we turned up at home at some point – during the holidays, sometimes even days later.
Sometimes you would just quickly call from a phone box or pop by your parents‘ house or workplace to give them an update. This made me feel very free during my childhood and teenage years, yet always safe. There was usually someone else around – friends, cousins, neighbours, etc.
When my older children (the girls are now almost 24 and 22) entered their teenage years, tracking wasn’t an issue yet. For my eldest, this feature simply didn’t exist yet. When the children were around 14 and 16, it slowly started to take off. My girls‘ friends had to regularly send messages to their parents to let them know where they were. The children were constantly being driven somewhere and picked up again. The first time my eldest went to a party – we were living in Cologne by then – was during Carnival, of all times, on ZĂ¼lpicher StraĂŸe, of course.
She had her mobile phone with her, but not for me – I wished her lots of fun and simply trusted that she would let me know if she needed help or if anything happened. She travelled there and back by bus and train.Of course, we drove her to some places, but whenever possible, we encouraged her independence. It must be said, however, that my eldest daughter – perhaps thanks to our trust in her – was extremely reliable and always gave us brief updates.
At one point, I was sitting at a family gathering and the much older cousins – only the girls, mind you – were being tracked. My uncle and aunt were discussing this wonderful innovation. My tracked cousins were 19 and 20 at the time! I couldn’t believe it.
What do you think is behind this development? Why do parents need so much more control today? Or is it because digital developments allow us to keep an eye on things?
I’ve often wondered about that myself – I mean, the parents – that’s exactly our generation, the one that partied so hard and could disappear for weeks on end and had exactly that kind of freedom. They must still remember that feeling.nbsp;I’ve wondered whether it’s because we’re now so globally connected through the internet and are so inundated with news and information, and even negative headlines from other countries make waves here, that it creates a feeling of a much more uncertain world.
Perhaps it really is much more uncertain now? Or perhaps the older generation has had bad experiences? I always had a „support network“ – in our group of friends, it was clear that no one would drink from a glass left on the table, we would go to the dance floor together, no one would go home alone, and the girls with particularly long journeys home would be accompanied by the boys.
But I think having the options is one of the main points. My mother would certainly have used this function if it had existed back then! It sounds macabre, but what isn’t tracked these days? You’re sitting at work, your mobile phone beeps, someone has rung the doorbell at your smart home – quickly turn on the surveillance camera and see who’s there. Oh, where is my wife with the car right now? Quickly track the car… it’s not far from there to constantly monitoring the children.
Who in your family is being tracked? And have you ever asked your parents why it’s important to them?
In my family, it’s mainly my cousins who are tracked. My family is huge and, due to late arrivals, very mixed in age. So I have cousins aged between 16 and 43 đŸ˜‰ The younger ones, who are currently between 16 and 22, are tracked.
Of course I asked the parents, because I was totally surprised – especially with the two of them – they are my mother’s youngest siblings and only a little over 15 years older than me – so I naturally noticed how they behaved at the age their children are now – they are basically the party animals of my family. The answers: „Then I always know where she is, which gives me a feeling of security – so much can happen.“ Did you also ask your cousins and nieces what they think about their mums being able to see their location?
In fact, the two cousins whose parents I interviewed are very quiet girls who hardly ever go out partying and spend a lot of time with their parents. Just last week, my cousin celebrated her 18th birthday, which brought the topic up again. My aunt was proud: „I have her (my cousin’s) permission to track her.“ I look at my cousin… Silence… a slightly pained smile… what can you say? I know my mother, she’s her mother’s big sister… the two are very similar, resistance is futile. It’s easier to agree, then there’s peace.
You say you never did that with your children. Why not?
That was never an option for me/us. I wanted the girls to feel that I trusted them. Not to be constantly breathing down their necks. Teenage years are there to slowly let go – to make more and more of your own decisions, to be responsible for yourself, to experience your own adventures. Without this experience of self-efficacy, children – in my opinion – suffer.
You only have to remember what it was like when you did something for the first time without your parents, or how you felt when you were sitting somewhere in the middle of nowhere without your parents and had to look after yourself. That also gives children confidence in their own abilities. I trust you to do it on your own.
You don’t plan to do that with your eleven-year-old son either, but now you feel like a unicorn who simply trusts his child and the world out there…
Absolutely. However, it’s a little more difficult with him because he has ADHD and is just extremely scatterbrained. He often misses the school bus, etc. Now that he’s in Year 5, he has a mobile phone and he’s great at calling or texting when something like that happens. We now live in a village, so we have to pick him up more often when he’s stranded. But still, no – I just can’t bring myself to do it. But you do feel very alone in this.
There’s also an interesting phenomenon: the other children who are being tracked all had mobile phones in Year 1 or Year 2, were allowed to use them without any restrictions, weren’t monitored when watching films or playing computer games, and already have WhatsApp andRoblox chats, etc. In contrast, my son, who did not have a mobile phone until recently, whose films and computer games I always checked beforehand to ensure they were age-appropriate, who was not allowed to have WhatsApp, etc.,He has the strictest security settings on his mobile phone. I don’t trust the world out there ; ) – but the others apparently do. Sometimes I find that very strange.
When we tell our children today that we used to meet at the street lamp at 6 pm sharp – and that anyone who wasn’t there couldn’t join in or catch up later – they always look completely baffled. What do you think of this development?
Well, it has its advantages and disadvantages. You had to be at the meeting point on time, otherwise you weren’t there and missed everything. This meant that people actually arrived on time (some didn’t, but you had already factored in the obligatory 15-20 minutes). On the other hand, you couldn’t join in later and sometimes had to search forever to find the group in a large area (festivals, etc.).
Sometimes we just looked for each other and kept missing each other, which was annoying, and it would have been nice to have a way to send a quick message saying, „We’re here at the stage now.“ Besides, I think the „flexible commitment“ got out of hand. It’s easy to cancel at the last minute if you decide you want to do something else.
Was it perhaps even more relaxed for parents back then without tracking? I know of a mother who tried tracking and whenever her child stood at a traffic light for too long, she had a heart attack because she thought they had been hit by a car or accosted. She then stopped using it and has been calmer ever since…
Definitely – I just imagine I’m on a date myself – at the cinema, for example. My child is out somewhere. I would sit in the cinema and constantly check where my child is… I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the film at all and wouldn’t be able to switch off and enjoy my free time. I still follow my mother’s motto: „If they don’t get in touch, you know that everything is fine.“ So far, that has always been true for my children.
Isn’t it also difficult for exchange students to really immerse themselves in the other culture if they can constantly see what their friends are doing back home on their mobile phones? If their mother can see that they’re at McDonald’s even though she’s thousands of kilometres away?
Wow, I hadn’t even thought of that. No, that’s really too crazy for me. Children have a right to privacy too. I don’t have to and shouldn’t always know everything just because I’m their mum.
Tracking children is out of the question for you. Would you say you are a relatively carefree mother? Or do you sometimes wonder if you are missing out on something or being too naive?
I am definitely not carefree! I’m constantly worrying about whether everything is going to work out, etc. But it’s not the child’s responsibility to make me feel better. And for me, tracking is something that makes parents feel safer and more comfortable… I have to put up with it just like the generations before us without mobile phones – as I said, trust, let go, accompany your child as they grow up.
I know full well that I’ve missed out on a lot and will continue to do so, but isn’t it great that my girls (the boys aren’t quite there yet) had exactly the same feeling of freedom that I loved and cherished so much?I recently talked about this with my eldest, who hasn’t lived at home for a long time now, and we got onto the subject. She said she always thought it was great that I trusted her so much and that she was actually always the child with the most freedom in her circle of friends.
