Dear ones, Nathalie Klüver has basically written „Say goodbye quietly Yippie! – Was wir feiern können, wenn unsere Kinder langsam groß werden„, the book for our Teen-Time youth column. She finally has grown-up children and is happy about it. Her kids are a little younger than mine, but she says that slowly letting go starts at the age of 9.
Nevertheless, she asked us for our expertise and so we were allowed to give an interview about the book, which we are publishing here today on our Column Day. It’s about how difficult it is for me to let go, how I deal with my adolescents‘ alcohol consumption and how to get through puberty as a family.
Big kids at last!
But first a little more information about the book: The blurb says: „How absurd: For years, we do everything we can to ensure that our children will be able to cope on their own at some point. But when the time comes, our hearts sink. While we celebrate all the first times to the full, the last times often catch us cold. Children’s birthdays, playing games together, the big cuddle – things that were so important for a long time are now casually waved off.
This starts at the age of 9 – from then on, our children gradually separate from us until, at the start of puberty, we stand in front of the closed door and are happy to at least see our teenagers at dinner. What do we do with ourselves now? Get your own life, journalist and mum-of-three Nathalie Klüver encourages us.
Courage instead of melancholy, opportunity instead of crisis! With her amusing, warm-hearted guide, packed with clever ideas and facts, she draws us away from the nursery and shows us the rooms that are ours again from now on. We are still needed, just in a different way. Enjoying our children as they grow up and practising letting go – this book is a great way to do just that“
Nathalie Klüver, born in 1980, is a mum of three children herself and knows all about the big and small obstacles that families face every day. As a freelance journalist, she writes for Spiegel, Süddeutsche Zeitung, Eltern, Spiegel Online and Brigitte, among others, about work-life balance and family and is a speaker on these topics.
On her social media channels, she talks about family policy, mental load and burnout prevention for mums. Her channels are followed by more than 70,000 readers. She is also the author of several successful books on modern parenting as well as the political debate book „Deutschland, ein kinderfeindliches Land?“. Here is her interview with me, which we conducted almost exactly one year ago:
Dear Lisa, how old are your children now? When did you observe the beginning of the weaning process?
Our older daughter will be 18 in two months and the twin boys will be 16 in four months. As far as the detachment process is concerned, it basically starts at birth 😉However, I noticed a very, very clear change when the youngest children turned 14. I suddenly realised that I had a lot of freedom because they stopped physically fighting out their competitive conflicts day after day and simply became more independent.
What was it like for you to let go for the first time?
The first time I remember letting go in terms of puberty was when my daughter slowly withdrew from family life at 13, spent a lot of time behind a closed door in her room („How are you?“ „Fine“) and lying down (good cheese needs time to mature, I always say) and no longer came on family outings. I really missed her during that time.
(Addendum to the current situation: she’s now a student and we sometimes don’t see her for several days, which is of course quite different to knowing she’s behind her locked bedroom door. I thought it was really weird when she suddenly came out of her room and went partying and I thought: Wahhh, at least lying down I knew where she was and that nothing would happen to her.)
What do you find difficult?
For a while, I found it difficult to get used to the fact that caring for the children had basically become a service. Instead of reading to them and cuddling them on the sofa like back then, our children now need me mainly as a food delivery person, a source of money and a taxi driver. Although, of course, that’s an exaggeration. They also appreciate my advice, for example when they’re lovesick… but they just don’t sit on my lap anymore with their height of over 1.80 metres 😉
What do you enjoy?
I love spontaneous get-togethers at our kitchen table with all the children, the conversations at eye level, the good relationship we have with each other. The fact that I can sleep through the night and sleep in at the weekend. And, of course, that I can now organise my own time again, have more time for work, but also for hobbies. From horse riding to yoga, Zumba, jogging, meeting friends without having to organise a babysitter. Holidays that are simply really relaxing again. That’s great and I really enjoy it.
I can’t say anything about alcohol with my children yet (the highest of feelings is currently cola), do you perhaps have an anecdote or experience that I could include in the book? What fears did you have, what was it like for you?
We’ve been pretty relaxed so far. I’m sticking to appeals to reason rather than complete bans. The first beer (as far as we can tell) was drunk by the older girl together with us. She acted very cool about it, but admitted months later that she had become quite dizzy 😉 Today she’s almost an adult and we’ve never had to get her out of somewhere vomiting or call an ambulance to pump her stomach.
I think it’s a bit like food (at least at that age). Complete prohibitions or demonisation can lead to even more interest or secrets in case of doubt. It’s better to be open and share experiences or tips from your own life, such as „Never drink alone, always have good people around you who will give you water if in doubt or accompany you home“…
Or: „Always pour a glass of water over every alcoholic drink to keep yourself hydrated, you can just get it from the tap in the bathroom with your empty glass“ (you’ll also spend more time in the toilet queue than at the bar, win win ;-)). Of course, it’s not up to us whether this will be heeded. You can often only hope for common sense.
But in everyday life, you can always mention possible consequences of consumption such as: „All alcohol consumption destroys brain cells“ or: „Have you heard that xy is now in rehab because of his alcohol addiction?“
Do you have any tips for other parents on how to survive puberty calmly and what not to do under any circumstances?
I think it’s great to talk to parents of even older children who can tell me about the crazy escapades of their children’s youth and report that everything turned out well in the end 😉In addition, it always helps in acute situations to ask yourself: Is this situation still relevant for me and our lives in three years‘ time? If not, just sit back and relax.
In general, we should think about this: What would have done me good in a certain situation when I was young? And: Where is it worth risking our relationship with each other (I would never snoop through their mobile phones, for example, unless a life was in danger) and where is it better to just wait and offer help instead of getting aggressive?
Do you have any questions for me that I can answer? Then feel free to ask them in the comments. It’s been another year and the big girl is about to turn 19, while the boys will soon be 17.
