Ulrike Schrimpf has dared to do it again. After suffering from postpartum depression following the birth of her second child, she has now had another baby – and has not fallen ill again. A happy ending? Yes. But one that she had to fight for
By Lisa Harmann
Are you crazy? Why are you still a child? Baby Felix gurgles and grabs his mum’s hair. The fact that he exists is not crazy – but courageous. His mum Ulrike Schrimpf, 40, fell ill with postpartum depression after the birth of Felix’ s big brother Michael, 5. It hit her so hard that at times she was not sure whether she wanted to go on living. And yet she dared to do it again: she had a third child, Felix. He is now seven months old.
Writing helped Ulrike out of the valley
Pictures of Zara, Ulrike’s children’s book heroine, hang in her flat. Zara, the fictional main character, has pulled Ulrike out of the crisis, which she describes as „one of the worst things that can happen to a mother“. When she was in a psychiatric ward, her first son Johannes, 10, asked her to write him a story – and while writing it, Ulrike felt something like joy again for the first time. Distraction. Self-healing. She has been working as an author ever since. In addition to the three Zara novels for children, she has written an impressive book about her illness: „How can I hold you when I myself am breaking?*“.
The ghosts usually came at night. „My nights are bright white, obsessive ghosts“, writes Ulrike in her book. „I tremble, my teeth chatter. My hair and face are wet with sweat. I am shaken by fear. I feel sick. My son wakes up, sucking determinedly and bravely – he moves me so deeply! My tears drip onto his face, his little arms, his soft fluffy hair. Suddenly I realise: nothing is good. I need help;“
It was November when Ulrike had her second child and it was cold, dark and frosty outside. Inside her too. Unlike other mothers, Ulrike did not develop a bonding disorder with her child during her illness. A common misconception is that mothers with postpartum depression are unable to love their children. In reality, however, this only affects 30 per cent of mothers who fall ill. In Ulrike’s case, it was quite the opposite. She loved her child so much that she developed irrational worries.
Panic attacks and anxiety – when depression takes hold of you
Ulrike was afraid. Afraid of not being a good mother to her children. Afraid of ruining her relationship. Afraid of never doing anything challenging or interesting in her life again. She was afraid of sleeping and afraid of life. She no longer dared to go down the stairs with her baby in her arms, so she let herself slide down step by step in a sitting position. „You and depressed? The chickens are laughing,“ her twin sister had said on the phone. Nobody would have expected that. Especially not herself.
„But you wanted the child“, they said. Exactly. And yet she was not well. The illness came upon her like a force of nature. Her second child was ten weeks old when Ulrike had herself hospitalised. She had insomnia, palpitations, panic attacks and sweats. And she felt guilty. What kind of mum am I?
She spent three weeks in hospital. „In depression, you experience the negative things more intensely, you no longer notice the positive things at all“, says Ulrike. But the treatment helped her. She was soon discharged. After four months: a relapse. Severe, but brief. What she didn’t realise at the time was that the healing process of depression is not linear, but more like the way a dolphin moves in the water. Upwards in curves. After the relapse, things finally went uphill.
Who suffers from postpartum depression?
The birth of a child is an event that belongs to the so-called threshold experiences in a person’s life, in which farewells and new beginnings intertwine. Around 19 per cent of all mothers develop depressive symptoms after giving birth, seven per cent of them develop severe depression that requires treatment. Women usually fall ill six to eight weeks after giving birth.
„60 per cent of the women who come to me are academics between the ages of 30 and 40“, says Dr Claudia Reiner-Lawugger. The doctor has been running the specialised outpatient clinic for perinatal psychiatry in Vienna for 15 years. Women like Ulrike. After years of leading a successful and self-determined life, they suddenly find themselves with their baby in a flat far away from their office and friends. Nothing is organised and reliable as they know it. „For me, the most stressful thing was that I felt responsible for everything, for every bad mood and every conflict“, says Ulrike. But not one symptom alone leads to depression. In Ulrike’s case, several things came together. A failed relationship with the father of her first son. A move from Berlin to Vienna. A miscarriage. The illness of her father.
The chances of recovery from postpartum depression are high if women seek help. In most cases, there is a huge improvement just three to four weeks after starting treatment, says the doctor. This was also the case for Ulrike. She underwent psychotherapy and was given antidepressants.
Ulrike had always wanted three children. With every day that passed since the illness, Ulrike’s desire to have children grew closer. „The illness is like giving birth. The longer it goes on, the more you suppress the pain.“ Her husband was not immediately convinced by the idea of a third child: „It’s just fine the way it is right now,“ he said.Should she give up having more children because of the depression?
Should she give up having more children for fear of falling into another crisis? Ulrike felt that she would always regret not having a third child. „I wanted another baby. But I never wanted to suffer from depression again,“ says Ulrike. Her doctor said: „Then don’t stop the antidepressants at all.“ Ulrike continued to take medication, low doses, but nevertheless. Not to stop? Not even during pregnancy? Dr Reiner-Lawugger says: „There are antidepressants that can also be taken during pregnancy and breastfeeding.“
Ulrike followed her advice and still takes antidepressants today, albeit in small doses: „When you have heart disease, nobody says, just get some fresh air.“ She still remembers how the medication helped her back then, how slowly the old Ulrike came back.
„I was tired of living, I didn’t want to go on living like that. It was a traumatic experience that I will never forget. I had no thoughts about how I could actually put an end to my life. But there was a passive feeling of how practical it would be if a car came now, then the pain would be over.
When Ulrike talks about it now, she can no longer comprehend it. „Because I think my life is so great now.“ She can’t help thinking about what her doctor said to her husband during her illness: „You can’t understand this illness.“
Ulrike became pregnant with her third child four years after the illness. In the fourth month, she had a panic attack. „I lay awake and thought: How could I have forgotten how awful that felt? I can’t do that again.“ As much as she wanted a child – she wondered why she had to tempt fate again.
Oh no, is the depression coming back?
This state lasted for a fortnight, then the worries subsided. Things remained calm until the birth. Then Felix came along. His name means „the happy one“. Ulrike did not sleep well the first night after the birth. There was a brief fear of spiralling back into the dark vicious circle. But at the same time, Ulrike dared to trust that everything would be fine. And it turned out well.
In the first four months of her life, she often wondered: Oops, I’m fine. Since then, she has had the confidence that it won’t happen again. And it didn’t happen again. After Felix’ was born, Ulrike remained healthy.
Felix laughs through the baby monitor. Ulrike gets him out of his morning nap, he is wearing star-shaped tights. We eat croissants and Topfengolatschen (puff pastry quark pastries). Ulrike gets up briefly and scrapes a green goo hand off the wallpaper. She laughs. „My boys!“ Then we set off for Claudia Reiner-Lawugger’s specialised outpatient clinic. Ulrike still visits her irregularly.
The psychiatric ward: a place of fear – and rescue
The trees, which made the park in front of the psychiatric ward look like a castle garden that day, frightened Ulrike at the time. Their shadows hung heavily over her as she walked up the hill towards the outpatient clinic for the first time. It was winter then, and the trees looked frightening, like skeletons whose branches could reach out and grab her. Now I’m definitely crazy, Ulrike thought. Today, in the glow of the sun, the leaves and branches cast pleasantly cool shadows as we walk uphill. Nothing hints at the dark valley Ulrike was walking through.
We sit down in the waiting room. Colourful pictures with close-ups of sweets hang on the walls. The balconies of the building are barred – as a precaution. A woman with a headscarf and an eight-month-old baby speaks to Ulrike: ‚Aren’t you the woman who wrote the book? And now you have another child? Do you think I can manage that too?
Many affected women ask themselves this question. Ulrike encourages the mother, just like a good therapist would: „That way it won’t happen to you again.“ Because it won’t be like that again. Maybe similar, but not like this again. Because anyone who has fallen ill once has already built up a network of doctors and people who are good for them. That creates security.
Everyone should be happy when a child comes…?!
We are allowed into the treatment room. Birth cards hang on the wall diagonally above the doctor, cheerful greetings welcoming us to this world. Everyone should be so happy when a child is born. Claudia Reiner-Lawugger is sitting opposite us. Ulrike kisses Felix’ forehead: „Of course it is not always easy with the third child, but it is good. I would always choose Felix again, „ „Look“, she says to the doctor, „Felix looks at you as if he knows that he would not exist without you.“
<
ADDRESSES THAT AFFECTED PEOPLE CAN CONTACT:
Marcé Society for Peripartum Mental Illness: Marcé Society
Shadow & Light e.V.: Initiative peripartale psychische Erkrankungen: Verein Schatten und Licht
FOR FURTHER READING:
"How can I hold you when I myself am breaking? A very personal book review
_________________________________
*Amazon affiliate link
Photo Ulrike Schrimpf: Natascha Unkart
Photo baby cradle: Pixabay
