Dear ones who already have children at school: You’ll know that it’s not always easy for everything to run smoothly. Especially when we have a little dreamer child with us, the pressure and to-do’s can be quite exhausting. For everyone involved! In this valuable guest article, psychologists Fabian Grolimund and Stefanie Rietzler explain how learning, concentration and perseverance can still work.
„Please take a moment to think about some happy moments in your childhood. What images pop up in your mind’s eye? Where are you and what are you doing? Are you alone, surrounded by siblings or friends, together with your parents?
Maybe you feel similar to us and think of warm summer evenings when you were allowed to play hide and seek outside with the neighbour’s children? A day at the river, lake or sea where you could romp through the waves with your parents, build sandcastles or look for shells with your siblings or holiday friends? Christmas holidays that never seemed to end and were filled with the smell of biscuits and new toys that wanted to be tried out?
Our favourite moments are linked by a feeling of freedom and connection: being able to do something you enjoy with people you love without a clock on your neck. Immersing yourself in something and becoming absorbed in it. Have you had a similar experience?
Resonance experiences: Engaging with something until it touches
The sociology professor Hartmut Rosa speaks of resonance experiences in this context, by which he means engaging with an activity, a topic or a counterpart and being touched by this experience. We experience this when we listen to a piece of music and resonate inwardly, immerse ourselves in a new topic that captivates us or have a long and deep conversation in the course of which we see something differently, get to know ourselves or the other person in a new way.
Now imagine yourself in one of these scenes from your childhood – digging in the sand, lighting a fire in the forest or reading a book. Now imagine someone stepping into the picture, crossing their arms and saying to you:
- „Are you still thinking about your homework? Don’t start it too late!“
- „We still have to… – are you keeping an eye on the clock?“
- „Are you still not finished?“
- „While you’re lazing around here, others are getting ready to cross over!“
How much happiness and light-heartedness is left after that? Almost all adults know the longing for the experience of resonance, for deepening and being touched, a rush of activity where you forget the time – and want nothing more than for their children to retain this ability.
And yet: in reality, we often work towards the opposite without realising it and with the best of intentions.
Younger and younger children already have the feeling that they have no time and are suffering from stress and pressure. In a study conducted by Bielefeld University, children cited having too many appointments that they don’t enjoy and having too little self-determined time as the main cause of their high levels of stress.
Dreamy children playing catch-up
Dreamy children and their parents feel this pressure particularly keenly. If the child takes longer to get going in the morning, wanders off into their own world of thoughts during lessons and dawdles over their homework, if every single step of everyday life just seems to take longer, families are under pressure:
Suddenly, the parents find themselves in a role they never wanted to fulfil. They become the supervisor and assistant teacher, pushing the child to hurry up, hearing them say things like „if you carry on like this, I’m going to be in trouble!“ or „you need to wake up slowly if you don’t want to go to secondary school“, sitting next to them like a sergeant doing homework and critically scrutinising whether the child is doing everything properly and completely and working through missed material at the weekend.
The to-do list is always lurking at the back of their minds and the fear that the child „won’t get their act together“
What they used to love about their child: His blossoming imagination, his devotion to play, his ability to forget time and space, suddenly becomes a problem and makes them anxious. The to-do list is always lurking at the back of their minds and the fear that the child „won’t get their act together“ and „won’t make it.“ Feedback from the school along the lines of „she can’t concentrate and hardly listens“, „he’s still very playful and slow“ or „in middle school, you won’t be able to keep up with him“ adds to the pressure on parents and child.
Many families almost automatically fall into a negative spiral: the parents feel the pressure from school and become anxious. Now they expect the child to change, concentrate better, try harder, become faster and become more demanding and vehement.
Now the pressure gets to the child – and dreamy children can’t handle it at all. They take refuge in their dream world, become even slower, block themselves out with an „I can’t do this!“, start to cry or throw tantrums when they are confronted with mistakes and forgotten things are pointed out.
As a result, the relationship between parents, child and teachers deteriorates: Everyone feels powerless and blames each other. But how do you find a way out of this spiral?
About the wolf’s eye and hare-like moments
We have been working with families of dreamy children for many years. And the questions are almost always the same: How do we take the pressure off? How can we support our child when they fail? How can my child concentrate better in class, be more motivated and learn more independently? And how do we get out of this homework marathon?
There is no magic formula, but there are ways that have been helpful for many families. Based on this experience, we have written a book for dreamy children and their parents: Lotte, are you dreaming again?*
And because so many dreamy children have vivid imaginations, are good at empathising with others and love stories, we have packed the best strategies into an adventure. In it, ten-year-old bunny girl Lotte meets the wise she-wolf Sakiba, who introduces her to the art of wolf watching: The ability to arrive completely in the here and now and to consciously concentrate on a task. At the same time, the she-wolf recognises the value of dreaming and encourages Lotte to reconcile herself with this aspect of her personality and preserve it. Let’s take a look at some ways to help.
Parents, limit learning time for children!
Lotte is like most dreamy children: she spends hours on her homework and hardly has any time left to meet her friends and pursue her passion for drawing.
Only when Lotte’s mum and teacher realise how much Lotte is suffering from this situation do the adults talk to each other and limit her homework time. Mum Rabbit says to Lotte: „We’ll do it the way I discussed it with your teacher today: half an hour’s homework and you can take a short break every ten minutes. Do you want to start now or have a rest?“
The time limit and regular short breaks keep the homework manageable for the dreamy children. They don’t see the huge mountain that paralyses them, but often develop the ambition to make as much progress as possible in the limited time available.
Important:
- During the breaks, the child should not become engrossed in anything else, but only briefly „rest their head“ by having a drink, moving around a little, listening to a song or taking a deep breath by the open window.
- To ensure that the child does not simply sit through the agreed time, the rule is: I work for x minutes with concentration. If the child wanders off, as a parent you can go over, stop the alarm clock and ask: „Do you want to carry on or do you need a break now?“
- The time limit must not be used as a means of exerting pressure („You have to finish in this time!“), but is used as protection against excessive demands („That’s enough for today – you can stop. I’ll write a note in the teacher’s notebook.“)
Create and respect free time blocks
Lotte looks up from her drawing and proudly holds out the block to her mum. „Look, a stag beetle!“
Mum Rabbit takes a look and says: „It turned out pretty.“
Lotte smiles and continues drawing. But Mum Rabbit looks at her watch and takes a deep breath. „Actually, we had agreed that you would practise the dictation for next week today.“
Dreamy children don’t need any guidance to be able to resonate and fully engage with something. But they do need free blocks of time.
A sentence like „we still have to read“ or „do you remember that you have an exam the day after tomorrow“ almost immediately destroys the recreational value of an activity and makes learning seem even more unpleasant. It’s as if the boss called us a few times at the weekend to „get us in the mood“ for the coming week’s tasks.
Sentences like „Now you can do whatever you want until dinner“ or „What would you like to do today? Come on – let’s see how we can organise the homework around it“, on the other hand, take the pressure off. If your child has to do their homework by 5.00 pm at the latest: Remind him at 4.45 pm with the sentence: „Now you can finish playing for 15 minutes and then do your homework. It will only be harder for him if you are in his ear every half hour from 2 p.m.
Train your child to look like a wolf
Children don’t realise when they are dreaming. So it’s no good repeatedly pointing out to them that they’re „not listening again“ and „never on task“. Instead, we can explore with the child what concentration feels like, how to consciously focus and remember it at the right moment.
Lotte learns about the wolf’s gaze from Sakiba.
„A wolf has to be all there. It has to see everything, hear everything. There is nothing in his head but the task he has chosen.“
Lotte practises this by consciously setting herself a goal, visualising what her task is and giving herself a clear internal starting signal:
„Okay, full concentration! Wolf eyes on! One with the task!“ says Lotte to herself and reads the task on the German sheet: underline all the proper nouns. „Underline the proper nouns,“ mumbles Lotte and gets to work while her mum drinks coffee and flicks through her magazine.
The command „Concentrate!“ has very abstract and negative connotations for many dreamy children. It is often easier for them to get into a focussed state if this is linked to a symbol or if they can slip into a role. This could be a superhero laser focus or a „spotlight on!“ command, where the child imagines how their attention is focussed and directed towards a task.
More listening than speaking
These images even help adults: In training courses, teachers often describe to us how difficult they find it to listen patiently during parent-teacher conferences instead of overloading parents with information, feedback and tips. Many of them found it helpful to visualise their ear getting really big and their mouth tiny at the start of the conversation – as a reminder that they should listen more and talk less.
The next step is to think together with the child about where and when they would like to use the wolf’s eye – and be happy with them every time they do it“
Fabian Grolimund and Stefanie Rietzler are psychologists and run the Academy for Learning Coaching in Zurich. They are the authors of several books (Clever learning, Successful learning with ADHD*). Her latest book „Lotte, are you dreaming again*?“ is aimed at dreamy primary school children and their parents. It was published in September by Hogrefe-Verlag and is available in every bookshop.
*Affiliate links
