Picky Eaters by Fabian Grolimund and Stefanie Rietzler
Dear readers, we’re already big fans of the psychological author duo Stefanie Rietzler and Fabian Grolimund, whose work helps children feel comfortable and safe in their relationships. Now they have written another fabulous book on an incredibly important topic „picky eaters“.
It’s called: „Won’t you at least give it a try?“ and it’s about picky eating, i.e. children (aged between around 3 and 8) who suddenly only want to eat pasta with butter or only chips. How do we deal with this in a loving way without exerting pressure? They tell us here.
Dear ones, what do I do if my child only wants to eat pasta without anything for a while – and simply no more vitamins at all?
Stefanie: Firstly, it’s best to check what stage of development your child is currently in. It is quite normal and probably evolutionary that children are still relatively keen to try new things during the complementary feeding period and that their taste horizon then narrows, more for some and less for others. As soon as children are able to explore the world on their own two feet, it quickly becomes dangerous if they put all kinds of greens in their mouths, which are usually poisonous in nature. It’s better to stick to sweets and fatty foods, which have been good sources of energy and ensured survival for thousands of years!
Nature has therefore equipped children with a sensible protective mechanism: This is also supported by a study that was able to prove that the taste receptors for bitter substances on the tongue increase in small children. This makes them more sensitive and therefore more sensitive to many types of vegetables. It is only in the preschool and primary school years that the food palette slowly expands again. This is quite normal at first and no cause for concern. With this knowledge in mind, you can simply sit back and relax during this phase and hope for better times.
Fabian, I can see you want to say something about this too…
Fabian: But some children are very sensitive and remain so. I speak from my own experience as a dad… In this case, there are a few things we can look out for in everyday life. One of the biggest traps I’ve fallen into myself with my children is that at some point we only cook the four or five dishes that our little food-lover is sure to eat. Unfortunately, this exacerbates the problem!
Research shows that one of the most important factors in dealing with picky eating is repetition and modelling. A fussy child would have to come into contact with a food more than 8 to 15 times in a short period of time for initial inhibitions to be broken down and the willingness to try it to develop. And every time it observes how parents, siblings or friends find an unfamiliar food delicious and eat it with relish, it receives the signal: „This food is safe and can be eaten without any problems!“
However, if we no longer cook anything other than our handful of standard dishes because the child will only turn up its nose, its palette will not expand. As a parent, you quickly find yourself in a dilemma: you want to save yourself the effort of cooking something that your child is likely to reject - but at the same time, you’re contributing to them only wanting the same three or four things in the long term…
Stefanie: Picky eaters are usually very sensitive to certain consistencies, smells and flavours. It can be worth taking a closer look here: what flavours does my child like? And can this familiar food be used to build a bridge to something new? One family who contacted us as a test reader for the book had such an aha experience: their son really liked crispy fried food and fish fingers.
Now they had tried vegetable sticks in the same shape with the same breading and were able to tell their child „Look, it’s like fish fingers, only with a different filling“. Surprisingly, the boy tried it! Another dad told us that his daughter loves all kinds of waffles and was able to put finely grated courgettes and carrots in a savoury waffle batter – and she accepted it. Of course, this isn’t always the case, but the perspective is still helpful: where can I build on the familiar?
You have now written a book on the subject of picky eaters, how did you come up with the idea?
Fabian: The idea for this book came about in a completely different way than usual: quite spontaneously on a whim. One day at work, just before lunch, I was once again complaining to Steffi that I’ve been cooking the same five dishes for years because my son is so fussy: „If I cook something else, he just cracks fried eggs into the pan and eats them with a piece of bread. That’s so annoying!“
Stefanie: My eldest child had picked up hand-mouth-foot disease shortly before and could hardly eat because of the pain. It was a real struggle to get anything into it at all. As a result, he was constantly hungry, in a bad mood all day and had one tantrum after another. And I thought to myself: „How exhausting it must be if it’s always like this!“
Fabian: And there it was, the idea: we need a children’s book on this topic! For us, our children and for all other families who are in the same boat.
The children’s book contains steaming wild boar dung, freshly caught goo jellyfish, fibrous aquatic plants and slippery-soft snail slime to eat. I’m wrinkling my nose as I read this… were these your children’s ideas?
Fabian: No. We wanted to surprise them with the book! We just had the feeling that the best cure for all this stress about healthy eating and having to try things is a big dose of humour and laughing together. As our children often find disgusting things in books so funny, it made sense to take a look at the animal kingdom. All kinds of disgusting treats are served up there …
Stefanie: My favourite picture book as a child was written in rhyme. And I still love reading poetry today. It was clear to me that if we really wanted to write a book for fussy eaters, it had to be in cheeky rhymes.
Fabian: To be honest, rhyming took a lot of effort at first. Steffi had to persuade me. But as soon as the first verse was written, I was hooked too:
There are families in which I notice how much the children’s food is commented on. „That’s healthy“, „Don’t have too much of that“, „That one pea is fine“. What do you think is the right mix of holding out and giving advice?
Stefanie: We dealt with questions like these intensively when researching this book. We analysed the current state of scientific research on the topic of picky eating and examined which strategies have proven themselves in research and practice in order to help sensitive children expand their taste horizons.
We found the results so exciting and helpful that we added a parent section to the picture book summarising the most important background information and tips. And you’ve probably already guessed it: it’s anything but helpful to constantly point out what is healthy or unhealthy, comment on your child’s eating behaviour and exert coercion.
Fabian: But I still find it difficult to hold back from commenting. As a parent, you simply feel guilty and worry a little about your child’s health if they refuse all vegetables and prefer to eat only sweets and frozen food all day long. Sentences like „Do you have to eat such rubbish all the time?“ or „Come on, at least something with vitamins…“ quickly slip out.
I had a real eye-opener when my son went to ski camp. My brother-in-law said to me beforehand: „He’ll change his eating behaviour at the latest when your son comes home from the slopes hungry and his whole class eats what’s on his plate. Then the hunger will drive it in.“ Think again: our son came back and had lost three kilos! He could still rely on his jam sandwiches for breakfast. But neither his hunger nor the stupid comments from his classmates could persuade him to eat lunch and dinner.
Today, however, I am trying to make myself more aware that a relaxed, positive mood when eating is one of the most important things that will help picky eaters to eat more varied meals in the long term. But that really is work on myself, which is not easy for me.
So you can’t stay out of it completely?
Stefanie: You can’t stay out of it completely, constantly commenting is also counterproductive. But then what? In connection with children’s fussy eating behaviour, we found the concept of sharing responsibilities very helpful. This has greatly eased the situation for many families. The parents determine the framework: when and where food is eaten and which dish they cook.
The child decides whether, what and how much to eat. For example, I have fried a fish, added a few vegetables and now make sure that there is always at least one „safe food“ on the table that my fussy child can normally eat in a relaxed manner. Maybe rice or pasta. It’s best to put the ingredients on the table separately.
Important: I now let my child scoop their own food. If they are still too small to help themselves, I can ask: „Would you like some rice? This much? Sauce too? Right on top or next to it?“ Many picky eaters hate it when their food mixes. One mum recently commented: „When my extremely fussy eight-year-old is eating with me, things must not touch. I have therefore bought some plates with compartments. Our son eats everything one after the other, compartment by compartment, but he tries a lot more than usual and is also fuller.“
Fabian: Important: I don’t comment on what your child puts on their plate. And yes, it’s possible that they only ever scoop up naked pasta or rice and don’t even finish it, but research clearly shows that repetition is an important factor. This means that if our picky eaters see food on the table again and again and observe how others eat it with pleasure, they can gradually reduce their own inhibitions and resistance. They get a little more used to the sight and smell each time. All of this demonstrably makes it more likely that they will try it themselves at some point.
Sometimes timing is also crucial: my son rarely eats fruit and no vegetables. But if he comes home hungry from school and I’m still cooking but there are already a few apple slices on the table, I’m sometimes lucky…
I had to move to a new nursery when I was at pre-school, where I was forced to try everything at lunchtime. We weren’t allowed to drink anything, just a cup of tea after lunch. I still have a tea trauma to this day (and he couldn’t help it)…
Stefanie: You’re not alone in this experience. There are even studies that show that Anyone who was forced to eat certain foods against their will as a child often develops a strong disgust and a lifelong aversion to them. Unfortunately, many parents of sensitive children have told us that they were still advised by professionals to work with pressure. They are given advice such as: „Then only healthy food will be served. No one has ever starved before a full plate“ or „If you don’t eat the vegetables, you won’t get dessert either“. However, the pressure on children to constantly try new things has been proven to increase their fear of new things and their resistance.
How do we manage to create a relaxed atmosphere when eating with the family?
Fabian: By defining this as our primary goal! And having more trust in our child that their body will get what it needs in the long term. It’s good to know that deficiency symptoms are rare, even in picky eaters, and if they do occur, they can usually be alleviated with nutritional supplements. That takes a lot of pressure off me as a parent. And the division of responsibilities that we have already described is also very relieving here.
Stefanie: Being able to eat in a relaxed way can also mean letting go of certain ideas: that it’s not necessary to finish your plate. That eating vegetables doesn’t have to and shouldn’t be a prerequisite for dessert. That it is part of natural exploration with all the senses when small children mess around and play with food – even if this may annoy or disgust us adults. This exploratory, playful approach has also been proven to break down defences against new foods. And that it is absolutely okay for children to get up from the table and go and play as soon as they feel full.
Are there ways to encourage our little „picky eaters“ to expand their taste horizons lovingly and without pressure – in other words, to try new things in small, cautious steps?
Fabian: We’ve already described a few things: Eating together as a family and trying things in as relaxed an atmosphere as possible without critical comments, rewards or pressure is very important. We should therefore confidently say goodbye to the title sentence of our book „Don’t you at least want to try?“ (this is also humorously resolved in the course of the rhymes). Being able to see certain foods again and again in a short space of time and observing others eating a variety of foods is also important.
Building bridges to familiar dishes by slightly modifying familiar foods can help. Inviting your child to cook together and generally involving them in food preparation has also been proven to reduce picky eating. However, it is also important not to force your child and to accept it if they don’t feel like it. And finally: be patient.
It’s a gradual process, you have to think in terms of months and years rather than whether the fussy child will try something new today or tomorrow. And if, for once, it has shoved a mini piece of cucumber into its mouth: Keep calm. No exuberant „Great, now you’ve tried it after all“, no „Well, doesn’t it taste so bad?“. This usually puts off fussy children straight away. Better to enjoy it quietly ;-).
You say that picky eating is more common in neurodivergent children (ADHD, autism spectrum). How does this happen and do we need to consider other things when dealing with them?
Stefanie: Yes, there are some studies on this. They show that picky eating in neurodivergent people is primarily related to a lack of cognitive flexibility. This means that anyone who has problems adapting to the unfamiliar and unexpected in everyday life and finds changing plans very stressful will also tend to seek routine and security in the familiar when it comes to eating.
In addition, people with ASD, and in some cases also with ADHD, have a greater sensory sensitivity: they perceive certain smells, flavours or textures very sensitively and strongly and sometimes find them almost unbearable. However, the starting points are exactly as described above, even if the picky eating in these children is usually more resistant… Many of the tips in the book come from working with neurodivergent children!
Fabian: In this context, there were also some really nice incidents: more than half of the test reader families who gave us feedback on „Won’t you at least give it a try?“ live with at least one neurodivergent child. And there were some very exciting and funny conversations, inspired by the book. One boy with an autism spectrum disorder, for example, really wanted to read the advice section for parents at the end of the book.
In it, he learnt, among other things, that picky eaters have to come into contact with a new food at least 8 to 15 times before they even want to touch it. The mum wrote to us that her son had tried pineapple for the first time that evening. As is so often the case, it had a few sweet and a few sour pieces, whereupon the boy looked at his mum with an acidic grin on his face and said proudly: „I’ve already eaten 5 pieces, it’ll be at least 3 more before I like them…“
Dear Steffi, one last personal question: You’re actually still on maternity leave! How are you and the cute little new arrival doing?
There is a lot of love, gratitude, delight and amazement, mixed with lack of sleep, breastfeeding dementia, hustle and bustle, the never-ending virus and germ ping-pong and of course being kept on our toes in everyday life with baby and toddler. I think the four of us have settled in well. The fact that my husband took four weeks‘ unpaid leave after the birth certainly contributed to this.
This also allowed me to recover physically during the postpartum period and we had the opportunity to be there for both children together from the start and to organise our new everyday life together. I love being a mum. And I am grateful that I can harmonise my job with my family. For example, we wrote „Won’t you at least give it a try?“ with Fabian sitting at home in front of the laptop and me going for a walk with my sleeping baby in the carrier while I wrote poetry about Zoom with Fabian. You should have seen the looks on the faces of passers-by …
Lisa Harmann
Lisa Harmann has always been curious about everything. She works as a journalist, author, and blogger, is a mother of three, and lives in the Bergisch region near Cologne, Germany.
