Dear ones, we recently had a report here from Heidi, who had the courage to become a mum again at over 40 thanks to Katharina’s article about her fourth child. Marika contacted us in response to this report. For many years she had no desire to have children at all, and when it came knocking later on, she always put it to one side. But then, at the age of 45, she unexpectedly became pregnant…
Dear Marika, for 20 years you thought you couldn’t have children. How did that assumption come about?
In my early 20s, I went to the gynaecologist to find out whether I was at risk of osteoporosis. At the time, I had several fatigue fractures and had been struggling with an eating disorder for years. I hadn’t had a period for months. During this examination, I was told that it would be very difficult with children. However, there was no clear diagnosis. As a top athlete and sports student, I didn’t have a steady partner at the time and certainly had no desire to have children
Do you remember how you felt when you heard that?
I actually didn’t mind that much. I was in my early 20s and the topic of children was not on my radar. Back then, sport was the main thing in my life.
Did the desire to have children materialise over the years?
At 30, the desire to have children crept up on me very quietly. By then, the phase of high-performance sport was over, although I still did a lot of sport as a personal trainer.
My partner at the time had no great desire to have children, we hardly ever discussed it, but we didn’t use contraception either. Every now and then I got the feeling that something was missing. But I didn’t really allow myself to feel that way, because alongside my eating disorder, independence and all the training, there was simply no room in my life to think about whether and how a child could come into my life.
Have you had many new parents in your circle of friends?
No, I did a lot of sport and there weren’t that many parents in my sports bubble. My two siblings each had two children, but they lived further away and we didn’t have that much contact. I didn’t really have many girl friendships, but that was always ok for me. My substitute for children was actually my dog.
Then you met your current partner.
Actually, that was in 2006. We met at the gym and together we really got into trail running, which means ultra runs, stage races, pretty extreme sports.
He knew about my eating disorder and also about the gynaecologist’s diagnosis, but it was also okay for him not to have children. Contraception wasn’t an issue because I couldn’t get pregnant anyway. We also had such a busy everyday life that there was simply no room for the topic of children.
In 2010, when I was already 40 years old, I started to feel a bit melancholy. But I never addressed it and tried to suppress it. I thought I just had to come to terms with it. We didn’t have the money for artificial insemination, we were already too old for adoption, we had a lot of work, the dogs, the sport. I told myself that we couldn’t have another child.But then you got pregnant at the age of 45….
In 2014, I was burnt out on sport. I had a few injuries, we cancelled the Transalpinrun, I then had a major dental operation and had to take antibiotics and felt more and more tired, actually ill. My periods were still so irregular anyway, which I didn’t find unusual.
One day while I was showering, I noticed that my breasts had somehow changed. In combination with this feeling of sickness, we decided to take a pregnancy test. I didn’t believe it could be positive and bought the cheapest one from DM. All I can say is: two lines were visible IMMEDIATELY….
And what was your reaction?
It was a mixture of: this can’t be happening, but also unbridled joy and total confusion. My boyfriend had a similar reaction. And then I made an appointment with the gynaecologist.
But this appointment wasn’t quite so good, right?
Exactly, the doctor confirmed that I was 8 weeks pregnant, but made me very afraid of a miscarriage. Surprisingly, this didn’t really get to me. Of course I knew about all the risks, but somehow I was sure it would work out. I thought: If my child has been with me for 8 weeks despite antibiotics (dental surgery), sleeping pills, painkillers and constant physical overload, then it will stay.
I’m usually rather pessimistic, but somehow I was incredibly proud and very calm. I realised straight away that I had to go my own way with my pregnancy and be as independent as possible from comments, opinions and predictions. I was also just happy that there was such a great reason that my body was going crazy, I wasn’t sick, I was just pregnant!
How did the pregnancy go then?
The pregnancy was pretty relaxed and I found the process so fascinating that I was relatively relaxed about all the aches and pains. As I mentioned before, I struggled with an eating disorder for a long time, but during pregnancy I felt very comfortable with my belly, constantly putting on tight tops to emphasise it even more.
It was amazing to see how much my eating behaviour had changed. Whereas I used to eat almost only fruit and vegetables, I was now overcome by cravings for sweets. I was pretty flat for the first three months, but then it got better and I started exercising again. A lot of people told me I shouldn’t do so much, but I just looked at what was good for me.
The doctor at the prenatal diagnostics centre could hardly believe that the child was born naturally, as my partner is another five years older than me. The Harmony test was normal and the child developed beautifully.
And how was the birth?
I had really wanted a natural birth. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen because it was induced due to an initial pregnancy toxaemia and then ended in a continuous contraction with chills. I was at the end of my tether and didn’t put up any resistance when a caesarean section was suggested. I had told myself from the start that I would fully trust the judgement and advice of the doctors and midwives.
The atmosphere during the caesarean section was absolutely wonderful, and when Emma was born, I was nothing but happy. I think back fondly on the birth and don’t feel like I missed out on anything. I’m just deeply grateful for this unexpected miracle.
How has Emma enriched your life?
A midwife once said to me in relation to her age: „It doesn’t matter, now life is really coming back to life…“ That’s exactly what it was, a completely new cosmos opened up for us. Until then, we had had relatively little contact with other families, so we quickly realised that we needed to network in a new way. That totally broadened our horizons.
Of course, it was all pretty tough at first, breastfeeding didn’t work out so well, Emma cried a lot and I didn’t want to be out of work for too long. But of course I can say quite clearly: Emma totally enriches our lives and makes us complete.
You have had an eating disorder for many years, how did pregnancy and motherhood affect this?
I’m afraid I’ll never really like my belly. After pregnancy, I developed rectus diastasis and the menopause doesn’t make it any easier. Nevertheless, I’ve found a kind of peace with myself (or have given up tiredly). My eating behaviour is still not normal, but I live with it quite well. I probably have a body image disorder. It’s very important to me that I don’t pass this complex on to my daughter, and I’m fighting for that.
