Do you know when you just take time for your sadness? When you just let the tears flow about everything that’s going on? Miriam is an educator, alternative practitioner for psychotherapy and parent counsellor. In her practice for parent coaching, she supports mums in becoming the mum they want to be: In loving connection with their child and at the same time clear and confident in parental guidance. Here she gives us an insight into how she deals with tears.
Confronting sadnessIt was one of the last mild nights shortly after the start of autumn. As I often do, I was lying on my balcony looking up at the clear starry sky. Wrapped in a blanket, my tears suddenly began to flow. One. Two. Three. Warm tears that ran down my cheeks and dripped onto the cool stone floor.
And I didn’t know: was it because it was a time of goodbyes? A time when my 93-year-old father had become even weaker after his last fall. A time when my 18-year-old son’s departure didn’t seem far away. Or was it from the awe of the gigantic canopy of stars above me?
Whatever it was that was so close to me at that moment – my heart was touched and moved. So touched that my tears were able to start flowing.
Conditions for tears
Tears. They are so important! And so rare in some phases of our lives. For us as parents. For our children. And with our teenagers anyway. Tears – they are the appropriate reaction to loss, disappointment, longing, missing and pain. And they are the ultimate outlet for releasing accumulated stress, frustration and alarm.
All these emotions need to be felt and expressed. Then they transform. Then sour turns into sadness. But for this transformation to happen and for the tears of sadness to appear, certain conditions need to be met.It needs a „safe space“: the presence of a caring counterpart. The loving embrace of a good friend. The experience of being embedded in nature – be it under a starry sky, leaning against a tree trunk or listening to the surf by the sea.
But above all, they need to experience a sense of security. Security and protection. All this is worth its weight in gold. Because tears and sadness are the most vulnerable emotions we have as humans. So vulnerable that they are quickly lost if the conditions are not right.
They are easily masked by something far less vulnerable: anger and aggression. Then we get stuck in sourness – and the path to resolving grief is blocked.The power of tears and sadness
But tears are not just an appropriate response to life’s inevitable disappointments. They are much more. The tears of sadness – they carry us to another place. To a place where the realisation sinks in that something is in vain. So that we can begin to accept everything that we can’t change anyway.
This is how we find our way back to our resilience. We gain hope and become creative in the face of everything we cannot change. The precious power of sadness and tears also lies in the fact that they soften our hearts again and again. Tears are the ultimate fabric softener for our heart!
A heart from which compassion, helpfulness, caring – and yes, love – can flow. And isn’t that what we all want? For ourselves. And for our children and young people.
Inviting tears and sadness
Once we understand how precious the tears of sadness are, we can begin to invite sadness in like a welcome guest. We can start to „flirt“ a little with sadness. My flirtation with sadness looks like this, for example:
- Listen to melancholic music (such as „Adagio for Strings“ by Samuel Barber, „Gabriel’s Oboe“ by Ennio Morricone or „Sad Lisa“ by Cat Stevens)
- Write about sadness for 10 minutes (starting with „I miss…“, „I mourn…“, „My tears…“)
- Talk to a good friend or a dear friend. With someone who listens to me and gives me their presence without giving advice.
- Go out into nature. Lean against my favourite tree, lie down in the cool grass or look up at the wide starry sky ✨
Have you noticed that this flirtation with sadness needs someone or something to hold us? Someone or something that makes us feel safe enough to let go a little and surrender for a moment?
Accompanying our children in their sadness
This is exactly what we can remember when we want to accompany our children in their sadness. This requires fewer words and more loving presence. A compassionate „Mhmmmh“ , „Oh…“, „I know….“ or the humming of a melancholy tune are sometimes more comforting than many words or even questions.
A cosy snuggle on the sofa, a delicious hot chocolate or a warm banana bread also provides comfort. Anything that provides comfort and helps your child to feel their sadness for a moment is beneficial.
And don’t forget: every child grieves differently. While one child may find it easy to cry, another may cry more internally. Especially if your child is very sensitive, they may find it difficult to cry. In this case, the sadness may be more apparent in the posture, facial expression or voice of your child or teenager.
Tears and sadness are shy creatures that only appear when the conditions are right. None of this can be forced. We can only provide the conditions, namely sufficient safety and security, and thus open the door to sadness. But your child has to go through it themselves. This sometimes requires a lot of patience.
The comforting thing: None of this is lost. Sometimes a previously hidden sadness reveals itself unexpectedly. Then we will learn to appreciate the gift it gives us: a heart that is wide enough to not only feel deep sadness – but also deep joy ❤️
