Dear ones, today we’re going to talk about teenagers‘ white lies, because the other day we were sitting at a summer party with some parents of 16 and 17-year-olds who were talking about how great they think it is that their children don’t drink alcohol. So they never do.
They don’t like it, they’d rather concentrate on sport, they have an uncle with an alcohol addiction and don’t want to emulate him, there were all kinds of explanations as to why their sons and daughters would simply never even try a sip.
I listened to myself for a moment and thought back to my own youth. I remember my mum raving about how great my friends were because they didn’t drink – and that just wasn’t true. We certainly didn’t drink all the time, but I remember Mäxchen meetings (remember the drinking game?) with whiskey from plastic bottles that someone had won at the funfair, ouchy.
So what my mum was saying wasn’t the absolute truth, but she obviously had a good feeling about me and my environment, which of course made me happy at that moment and I didn’t contradict her, preferring to accept her opinion in silence.
And this despite the fact that we always had and still have a very close and good relationship (my guess: she naturally suspected what was going on, but let me believe that she didn’t suspect anything and preferred to publicly emphasise how great it is not to drink! She’s a fox).
And yes, it may well be that the youth of today tick differently than we did back then. I read a meme the other day that said something like: Luckily, as a person born in the 80s, I was allowed to spend my youth with mates in marquees and on hangover Sundays instead of doing morning routines, working out, face masks and protein shakes.
And there may be some truth to this, but even today I still see groups of 16 and 17-year-olds bluntly knocking back one glass after another before finally tipping over – as happened the other day at the next table in a pub. They didn’t even talk much to each other. They just sat there around their kegs and downed one glass after the next.
And well, there’s also carnival here and proms and shooting parties and well, of course it’s possible that the children in the parents‘ group I mentioned at the beginning don’t drink, but it’s also possible that young people tell white lies from time to time.
The fact that you might have spent the night at your mate’s house even though you met up with a few TikTok friends in the neighbouring town. That you said you were coming home by train and then ended up riding on the motorbike with the guy with the straight-first driving licence.
That you’ve said you’re staying with family X, but your parents don’t know anything about it afterwards (as parents, are we allowed/must/should we then say: Yes, of course, X really slept at our place? Or do we then have to explain? These are also questions that we have to find answers to!
How to deal with white lies from teenagers
We can then react with disappointment when it comes out. We can react humorously and say: As long as it’s just that, I got my tongue pierced in a disco zone when I was 16 and living abroad, or we can say: Hey, it can happen, that’s fine, but honesty is really important to me and next time I want it to be different. Right?
I took the liberty of asking ChatGPT: „As a parent, how can I respond in an attentive and committed way when my teenager tells me white lies?“ And this was the answer:
The fact that your teenager tells you white lies can be hurtful or frustrating – at the same time, it is completely normal behaviour during puberty. Teenagers often lie not out of malice, but to create space, avoid conflict or deal with shame or insecurity.
Staying affectionate and committed as you navigate these situations can go a long way to building long-term trust between you. Here are specific steps you can take to respond in a loving and bonding way:
1. Take a deep breath first – check your inner attitude
Before you react, take a moment: What exactly is hurting me right now? Is it about trust, control or security? What does my child need from me right now – and what do I need myself? A calm, benevolent attitude helps to reach your child emotionally.
2. Show understanding – categorise liesBe aware: White lies often arise from the desire to avoid conflict or to be autonomous. „My child doesn’t want to hurt or cheat – they are trying to deal with something difficult.“ This attitude doesn’t take away your right to set boundaries – but it does leave room for connection.
3. Seek dialogue – openly, without confrontation
Instead of accusations: „I realised that you didn’t tell me the whole truth the other day. I wonder what’s behind it.“ Or: „It’s important to me that we can talk to each other openly – at the same time, I can understand if it’s sometimes difficult.“ Goal: curiosity instead of control. This way, your child is more likely to feel safe being honest.
4. Name your own feelings – without apportioning blame
Phrase your reaction as an ‚I‘ message: „I feel insecure when I realise that I don’t know where I stand. Trust between us is really important to me.“ This lets your child know how their behaviour affects you – without feeling attacked.
5. Find solutions together
Pose an open question: „What would help you to say things to me that are unpleasant or difficult?“ This could be, for example: Less strict reactions, more room for negotiation or clear but fair rules.
6. In the long term: strengthen the relationship, not just correct behaviour
The more secure your teenager feels in your relationship, the less he or she will feel the need to lie.
- Show interest in his or her everyday life
- Respect their autonomy.
- Be emotionally available, even if you don’t „approve“ of everything.
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7. Set boundaries lovingly
Of course you can (and should) make it clear that honesty is important. But instead of punishing, you can say something like: „I want you to be able to tell me the truth – even if you think I’m disappointed. You don’t have to be perfect.“
Conclusion: Your teenager doesn’t need perfect parents, but reliable, emotionally committed adults who remain in relationship even in difficult moments. Honesty doesn’t grow through control, but through security, trust and genuine interest.
What do you think about this?
