Dear readers, today is Valentine’s Day, and our reader Lisa is actually happy as a single mum, but every now and then she finds herself longing for a new love. However, finding the right man is not as easy as she explains here.
Dear Lisa, you’re back in the online dating game. How long have you been separated and how do you feel as a single mum?
I’ve been separated from the father of my two daughters (4 and 7) for a good two years now. We’ve come to terms with the situation very well and I basically feel very comfortable being single with my girls. But for quite some time now, friends have been asking me if I could imagine having a man by my side again. A few months ago, I didn’t want to hear about it; it just felt like an additional source of stress.
But then I thought, why not see what’s out there on the market? I initially signed up for a dating platform for singles with children. Unfortunately, the first man suggested to me there was my ex! I immediately cancelled my membership! It then took quite a while before I signed up for another dating platform. And now I’m back in the dating jungle 🙂
What qualities must a man have for you to like him?
First and foremost, a sense of humour! I like to laugh and make others laugh, and I want someone by my side who is good at that too! Nevertheless, I also like good, serious conversations. So a good mix would be nice. (That’s exactly what it says in my profile, by the way!)
Appearances are less important to me, so I don’t have a specific type or preferences. He should just be well-groomed, please. That goes without saying, but you never know…
What is the most common phrase/saying you hear when online dating?
I can’t really answer that precisely. I find that men are extremely polite and quite good at flattery. I get lots of compliments on my friendly profile and my beautiful smile. So either the men are really good at impressing women, or I’m doing something right with my profile. Or maybe a bit of both.
And what is the most common lie that men tell?
That’s a good question! To expose a lie, you have to get a little further. But I think it’s a lie when they say that appearances aren’t important to them and that naturalness is more important. I’m pretty sure that they decide relatively quickly at the first meeting whether they want to see you again, and I’m sure that a significant percentage of that decision is based on appearance. But that’s just my assumption, of course! Otherwise, I don’t think there’s that much lying going on.
A few years ago, you dated a few men online. Can you tell us some funny stories?
Yes, before my ex-partner, I was single for a long time and went on loooots of dates! And of course, I messaged even more men. It got interesting when, in the course of the conversation, I realised that the man had also dated my best friend. At some point, you start showing your friends pictures of the men before you meet them.
But one story in particular has stuck in my mind: I was chatting with a man who I initially found really nice and appealing. He seemed to like me and my pictures, and I was already keen to meet him in person.
Then he suddenly asked me a really strange question: he wanted me to come over and order him in a commanding tone to put all his furniture out on the street. The whole thing was supposed to take place on the day of the bulky waste collection. And he wanted me to arrange with the men from the bulky waste collection service that I could press the button for the waste compactor while I watched him. I couldn’t believe that he had actually asked me to do that. To this day, I still wonder whether he found a woman who actually did it. And if so, how often…
Do you think you can find true love online, or is it more for fun?
Yes, I’m convinced of it, otherwise I wouldn’t be doing it. I think it’s just very difficult to find true love in real life. Once you reach a certain age, you simply don’t meet any more men. And if you do, the likelihood of them being single is rather low. Online dating is (supposedly) clearer and you can assume that the other person is also interested in finding a partner. But I think that also depends on the platform you’re using.
I think there are some that are more about quick, casual encounters (i.e. mostly sex). Others are perhaps more for those who are looking for something serious. You can specify this on the site, and I always pay attention to what a man says he is looking for, in the hope that this is actually the case. Nevertheless, it may be that it ultimately turns out to be more of a casual thing, which may just happen somehow, even if both are basically looking for a steady partner. As long as both agree, there’s nothing wrong with that. What tips would you give to other women who are considering online dating?
As mentioned above, you should briefly inform yourself about the respective platform in advance; this can be confusing at first. I also think you should have the courage to write to men yourself and not think that the man should make the first move. Firstly, we’ve fortunately left 1960 behind us, and secondly, I believe that men are impressed when you write a confident, perhaps humorous first message.
And what should you definitely not do?
I would never meet someone for the first time at home or in a secluded place. That sounds logical at first, but when you’re writing or talking on the phone, a feeling of familiarity can develop, so you might be tempted to accept a suggestion because you don’t want to disappoint the other person or something like that. But you should stay true to your principles and the rules you’ve set for yourself.
And I would try to present yourself as authentically as possible in your profile and not try to be something you’re not. The pictures in particular should show what you actually look like, what you embody and what you like. Of course, you choose pictures in which you look good. But if my pictures were too fake or edited, I would probably be far too nervous before the first date. Because that’s when the untruths come to light, if not before. Another thing that comes to mind: I often receive compliments from men for my detailed and personal messages. They say that this is rather rare. I hardly recognise my fellow women in this… But it seems that there are more taciturn women on the platforms who respond with short answers. Men seem to find this rather boring or feel too pressured to keep the conversation going, which probably doesn’t go down too well.
Make a wish list and bake your perfect first real date with a man from the online world.
I think the perfect date takes place before you even meet. If you manage to have a relaxed, funny, maybe even slightly exciting conversation with a man, you’ll be curious and looking forward to meeting him.
On the date itself, for example, I like to go for a walk or stroll through the city first and then maybe stop somewhere for a coffee. But the activity itself doesn’t matter (as long as it’s not in a secluded forest).
A very nice date is when you can laugh, when you feel like you might want to kiss the other person on the first date, when you go home feeling elated and can’t wait for the other person to write that they’d like to see you again.
And the perfect first date is probably the legendary last first date… (I just had the feeling for the first time in a long time that I might have had such a date recently. I’m really looking forward to the ones that follow!)
