Dear readers, unfortunately we have to keep reporting on bullying because it’s not getting any better on German school playgrounds. We have reported on former perpetrators, published a letter from a mother to her bullied mother and given a voice to Daniel Duddek, who bullied, was bullied and is now doing educational work. The internet and messenger services in particular give bullying a completely different dynamic. Our interviewee Norman Wolf was also a victim of bullying. You may remember the article in which he reported on the search for his father. He has now written about his experiences of bullying in his book Wenn die Pause zur Hölle wird.
Trigger warning: Norman talks here about violence in the school playground and suicidal thoughts. If you are affected yourself or need help, you can get some from the telephone counselling service, for example.
Dear Norman, bullying is more than annoying, you say. What exactly is the difference?
Bullying is fun at eye level – with a friend, a girlfriend or someone who is just as old and strong as you. Bullying, on the other hand, is an imbalance of power. The perpetrators are stronger or outnumbered, while you as the victim are physically inferior or alone. All against one, you could say. You can no longer free yourself from the situation. And so the bullying continues for months, often years.
You say that you were bullied yourself. How long did it last, when did it start and what did it do to you?
It started in fifth grade and was really bad for three years. What did it do to me? It made me feel worthless. How much value can someone have who is insulted, beaten and spat at? Whose need for physical integrity doesn’t matter to others. Who hears day after day how shitty and disgusting they are, that they can’t do anything and nobody likes them. When I was twelve, I stood naked in front of the mirror – I had just washed the spit off my head – and looked at myself full of self-loathing. What the others had been saying for years had finally got through to me. I thought: „They’re right. You are fat, ugly, repulsive.“ That day I had my first suicidal thought.
What was the most disgusting thing that was done to you there?
It was particularly disgusting when my bullies found out that I have sensitive skin that turns red as soon as you scratch it. One of them grabbed me and held me down while the other scratched a swastika into my skin. A few seconds later, it was emblazoned in red on my forehead. Otherwise, I would say it was brute force. Once I was punched in the face so hard that my nose started to bleed.
Sayings like „Ignore them!“ or „Don’t get angry“ only made you feel even more insecure, what would have helped you instead?
That someone would take me seriously. For someone to say to me: „Thank you for having the courage to tell me that – it certainly wasn’t easy. This is a serious problem. And I want you to know that it’s no longer just your problem. I’m on board with you. We’ll deal with it together.“
No child in the world expects teachers to have the perfect solution ready straight away. But someone who is on board, who takes the burden off your shoulders, that means so much and takes so much pressure off you. When I share a problem with someone, it only weighs half as much.
You yourself worked as a counsellor for bullying victims at Nummer gegen Kummer, has bullying changed over the years? What issues do young people face today? Can you explain where the urge to torment others comes from?
Cyberbullying is certainly a bigger issue today than it was ten years ago. Today, every young person has a smartphone and is available 24/7. Bullying used to stop at the school gates, but today you put it in your pocket, take it home with you, maybe even to bed. That means chronic stress. You can’t even put the burden down at home, switch off and feel safe.
The issues change, but the process always remains the same: Bullying is a social phenomenon. The pupils at the top of the social league table bully those at the bottom in order to maintain their position in the class and boost their self-esteem.
This sounds terrible, but it is also popular and commonplace in the adult world. We compare ourselves to others who are obviously „worse“ than us in order to feel better about ourselves (this is how reality TV works, for example). In class, it’s the looks, the whispers, often the laughter and the impressed faces of classmates that boost the ego and fuel the bullies.
Can a late apology from the perpetrators make up for something?
I think so, yes. I still wish today that the two boys who tormented me the most back then would apologise to me. I think it’s unlikely that will ever happen. But of course, there is this twelve-year-old boy inside me who was almost driven to his death. He wants an apology and never got one.
How can self-confidence be strengthened again after such experiences?
Repairing „self-worth“ is a long journey – a life task. Those affected have to develop an awareness again that they are good at things, that people like them, that they are important and valuable. It’s hard when the voice of the bullies is still haunting them years later.
I still look in the mirror today and automatically think: „Fat pig“ I then have to realise that this thought is not a „truth“ but a scar from back then, a phrase that has become ingrained. And then I counter this echo with a loving voice: „That is not true. You have a completely normal figure.“ That helps.
What would you like to pass on to children who are currently being bullied? And what their parents and teachers can do about it
Dear parents, dear teachers, please take bullying seriously. It is not „normal“ and does not „go away on its own“. It is a cruel situation for hundreds of thousands of children and young people in Germany who need your help to get out of it. So help them!
Thank you for the platform and the chance to reach people! The right way to deal with bullying must finally get into people’s heads.
