Dear readers, our reader says that unless you’ve been in such a tricky situation yourself, it’s hard to imagine. She is happily married – and has a crush on her colleague, who shows her sides of herself that were previously hidden. So far, it’s just glances, shared laughs and compliments. Nothing more. But nothing less either…
Dear reader, tell us how long you have been with your husband.
We have been together for almost 11 years, married for 8 of those. It’s just the two of us. We don’t have any children or pets.
How would you describe yourselves as a couple if you were to take an outside view?
We are (actually) the dream couple par excellence. We seem very harmonious together, we are very empathetic, our friends love us. I often hear from acquaintances that we are a cute couple. Either people love us or they don’t like us. Because together we always act as a team, and if there is a conflict with others, then suddenly we have this conflict with the others together. We always hear that we do a lot because we often have pictures in our status.
Now, for about a year, there has been something that makes you feel quite alive… you call it an „emotional affair despite (actually) a happy marriage“. What exactly does that mean?
Yes, that’s right. Another man came into my life and turned things upside down for me. We’ve known each other for a whole year now. The feelings were there from the start and became more intense over time. He feels the same way I do and we are drawn to each other like magnets. I can’t imagine my life without him anymore because I’ve grown so fond of him and he of me. You could almost call it love. Even if it makes everything very complicated.
How did it start?
We only knew each other vaguely from work and often met in the building or in front of the entrance door when I arrived or left. It was that special look, that curiosity, that smile. This had been going on for quite a while and I had an uneasy feeling. I didn’t want to send the wrong signals; after all, I’m married and you don’t do that. So one day I wrote to him to ask if we could talk. He immediately said „yes“ and made time for me.
We ended up spending a whole hour outside, and I was quite nervous when I told him I was married. I just wanted to make that clear so that our encounters would be easier in the future and it would be obvious that nothing would happen. However, we quickly changed the subject during this first conversation and talked about holidays, hobbies, God and the world. It was just great. It quickly became clear that we wanted to do it again, and so we went on lots and lots of walks during each of our lunch breaks.
Describe how you felt at the very beginning.
We were both quite nervous at first, but I felt really comfortable right from the start. Everything was so familiar, we could tell each other everything. I felt like we had known each other forever. That feeling is just indescribably wonderful. Finally, someone sees you. Is interested in you. Listens to you in every detail and remembers things, flatters you, compliments you, desires you, pines for you, finds you sexy, just great! I really enjoy that feeling. It’s kind of totally addictive and I wanted more and more of it. What has your infatuation brought to your everyday life? Do the butterflies give you wings? Have you even become a more relaxed wife?
I just feel great and sexy. This has a strong effect on my self-esteem and I am much happier and more relaxed. I would say that I have got to know myself again, rediscovered myself. Things that I had long forgotten came back to the surface and I began to live and enjoy life.
The best thing is that I have discovered my own „loud“ laugh, because I never really laughed before. I’m a rather quiet person and tended to laugh quietly. When I discovered it, I was very surprised that it was even possible. I feel like I’m a completely different person when I’m with him. Somehow I’m different and a little strange to myself. I think there’s still a lot to discover.
How else have you changed?
I’ve learned a lot and my perspective on things has changed dramatically as a result. I no longer judge people or assess situations before I’ve experienced them myself. Because I’ve realised that you can’t do that. Anyone who isn’t or hasn’t been in that situation themselves will never be able to understand it. My relationship with my mum has also improved a lot. I’m a child of divorce myself and for a long time I couldn’t understand it, but suddenly a lot of things became clear to me. I suddenly see things differently.
How do you manage this technically so that no one notices?
Our meetings always take place during our working hours. A walk during lunch breaks or between the end of work and subsequent appointments. We use every minute to see each other somehow. But usually we can only spare 30 to 60 minutes. Sometimes I quickly do some alibi shopping before I drive home if it’s getting a little late. But I always make sure that it doesn’t get too late and that I don’t have to explain myself. There have also been official meetings, which I told my husband about when we went out for dinner or wanted to meet for coffee on a weekend afternoon. But I can’t do that too often, because it raises questions with my husband.
You write about a „basically“ happy marriage. So what are you missing?
Until that encounter, I always thought everything was fine between my husband and me. We get along great, are harmonious, love each other and share the same sense of humour. It just works.
But I’ve realised that’s not all there is. I’m missing so much more. Somehow, everything that makes me feel better with the other man. That desire, that longing. That feeling of finally being seen. And, of course, the sex.
This has diminished considerably and it’s a big issue between us. Shared activities and enthusiasm for lots of little things that my husband unfortunately doesn’t share with me. But my colleague does. I’ve realised how much I’m actually missing, but I didn’t notice it before or just accepted it. Or just got on with it and somehow forgot about myself a little. It’s the little things that matter so much.
Now some time has passed. You’re still in love with someone else. Is there more going on between you now? Do you long for the other person in everyday situations?
Over time, there were always small increases. In the beginning, we only greeted and said goodbye with words, then came little hugs and little touches. The hugs became more and more intense. At some point, he just took my arms and threw them around his neck. Since then, the hugs have somehow become more intimate and also longer. There were also a few little kisses on the cheek, but only when something very special happened. But that didn’t happen very often.
Today, there are only many beautiful and intense hugs, almost like holding each other. But we are very reserved. We both know that anything else would be wrong, and I am very grateful to him for not trying anything, even though both he and I would like to. We talk a lot about our situation and how crazy it all is. That helps me a lot to put things back into perspective.
Do you sometimes feel guilty or imagine what would happen if it came out?
Of course! I’ve had countless scenarios in my head. In all kinds of different constellations. And of course I wish I could live it out, but I also know what I could lose. I am aware that I am taking a big risk, and yet I do it, and I also know that at some point everything will come out. Either we’ll get caught, my husband will find out, or it will slip out because I can’t stand the guilt anymore.
I don’t know why I keep going. I just can’t help myself, because I don’t want to miss either of them. It’s a great feeling to be ‚loved‘ equally by two men. And then I think to myself, ‚We’re not doing anything‘. I have nothing to reproach myself for. And I can’t help my feelings. They’re just there. But of course, this guilty conscience is always present and I often find myself in emotional turmoil, feeling desperate and not knowing what to do.
I feel quite lost because I don’t know what to do. And then I ask myself, „Do I have to do anything?“ Can’t I just leave everything as it is? But I am aware that at some point this little magic between us will be over and that it will only be temporary. If these stupid feelings weren’t there, you could see it differently. You could dismiss it as a normal friendship and everything would be so much easier. You could meet whenever you wanted and as often as you wanted. If you could wish for anything for your future, what would it be?
Clarity. I wish I could figure out what I really want and what’s good for me. Or that someone else could do it for me. Because obviously I can’t make any decisions here and I don’t want to lose anyone. And of course, I’d love to have and live both. Unfortunately, we live in a world where monogamy is very important. Maybe that will change someday.
