Dear all, puberty in boys needs a new image, thought family counsellor and bestselling author Inke Hummel, and with „Don’t talk. Don’t tidy up. I love you anyway, a fantastically helpful and encouraging work for parents with teenage sons. We thought we’d make use of this expertise and sent her a query from one of our readers who contacted us when we asked on Instagram what the biggest challenges were for you during your teenagers‘ formative years. She wrote:
„I’m really worried about my youngest. As a mother, how do I deal with my son hanging around the shopping centre, joining groups that like to verbally abuse others, only doing things if they get something in return, being late, being unreliable, driving around with a rucksack full of firecrackers… When does your own influence fade and make way for morally harmful influences? I would like some frank advice. Also about undesirable character traits in your own child. It’s a taboo subject, unfortunately, but such things do exist!
How do you manage not only to lose influence without constantly finding most of what comes your way stupid? He doesn’t do his homework, doesn’t study, just plays games, has strange friends. Maybe psychologists would say that it’s normal to no longer understand your own child (from time to time) or to dislike them sometimes… I’ve also heard that it’s a bit of a matter of luck and by no means a given that your child’s character will be similar to your own.
The trick is probably to keep the balls in the air and then not drift apart. I think that’s where the contact restrictions come from later on, along the lines of „My parents didn’t understand me, etc.“. I love the son described above more than anything, I’ve probably spoiled him too much… but it’s very stressful how things are going at the moment.“
Puberty in boys
Inke Hummel replies: Dear all, thank you for forwarding the mother’s question to me. I sense a lot of concern in it – and I know that concern well from my consultations. I often hear about fears during pregnancy, before starting nursery or when it comes to starting school, but the thoughts that parents have about their teenage children are often of a different nature. And, to be honest, they are of course also more intense!
It’s usually about more than just arguments over sand toys or early reading skills. It’s about health, school qualifications and the future. And that can be really scary, because as parents we have to relinquish control in so many areas.
For parents of boys, this sometimes affects them in different ways than it does for many girls. Role stereotypes and gender perceptions cannot be dismissed, no matter how hard we try to raise our children equally. There is so much meaning in what the mother writes.
In my consultations, I first provide parents with knowledge about puberty and sometimes also offer impressive changes of perspective, so that fears can be allayed and hearts remain soft – because a lack of understanding and hardening of attitudes lead to distance and the classic „generation gap“, which, contrary to the clichĂ©d image we have in our heads, really doesn’t have to be that way. And on the other hand, I naturally give parents ideas for action. I’ll include both here:
1. Group dynamics, risk-taking and macho behaviour – parental influence and dangerous friendships
During puberty, the family expands to include peers. What the best mate says may suddenly be valued more by your son than his parents‘ thoughts. The weekend belongs to plans with the clique. Every now and then, the teenager says goodbye and the parents have no idea who is behind the new name he gives as his destination.
Their radius gradually expands. This is exciting, sometimes fun, sometimes challenging. It is important that parents do not see peers as enemies. They are important for the child and, in fact, play a positive and decisive role in their development in some areas. Parents do not usually lose their son, but the relationship changes. This is how it should be and has often been the case throughout their life.
It is also important that parents do not immediately dismiss outside influences just because their son suddenly has different ideas than they themselves have had up to now. It does not matter whether it is about hair colour or music, a political opinion or a focus on a specific topic. Of course, it won’t always be easy to deal with the fact that he is not a mini-me and, in some areas, may no longer be someone his parents would have chosen for a shared flat. However, it is not his responsibility to help his parents cope with this, but theirs. But enough finger-wagging: it really is achievable. One tip is to seek contact with the other lads. Invite them over for dinner, offer to drive them around, take a mate with you when you go to the leisure pool or shopping centre, ask if he wants to play games with you on the console, offer to take him to the ice cream parlour if you happen to bump into your son with the others in town. And then get to know everyone.
I find that this works particularly well at the dinner table, for example with raclette or wraps that everyone has to put together themselves. You sit together for quite a while and automatically start asking questions, listening and laughing. And macho attitudes are less common than outside the shopping centre. If you build relationships in this way, you will probably notice at some point that you like some of his friends more than you first thought, but perhaps also that you dislike one of them.
Then it’s not a good idea to badmouth that friend in front of him. You want to have raised a loyal young man who sticks by his friends and doesn’t let himself be manipulated, right? Then don’t even try.
It is better to ask questions:
- „How do you feel when X always does Y?“
- „Why does X always behave like that? What do you think?“
- „Did you notice how I felt on Sunday when X was here and said Y?“
- „Do you think X supports you?“
You show interest and share your thoughts, but he has the opportunity to respond freely and develop a more critical perspective over time.
You can find many more tips, even on more serious topics, in my book „Don’t talk. Don’t tidy up. I love you anyway“ (humboldt 2026), from which you can already find some excerpts here. But I would like to tell you now that risk-taking is a typical phase: feeling more, thinking less, just trying things out, setting priorities poorly – it’s all normal. This changes over time, just like when your child wasn’t yet reliably potty trained or fell off their bike every now and then while learning to ride. It’s a question of maturity. And unfortunately, really stupid macho behaviour is also typical, no matter how feminist the dad may be. It’s a bit like those moments when your daughter wanted children’s nail polish or your son wanted a firefighter birthday party: gender role clichĂ©s help children find their place. Sometimes you have to do things to know that they’re not for you. But first, it creates a sense of belonging, and in puberty, there’s not much more important than that.
2. Differences in character and a flat-share feeling
Despite clear similarities, it may well be that we parents notice during puberty that the personality that is emerging does not correspond at all to what is important to us. Sometimes this only affects their diet or tidiness, other times it also affects their political orientation or even their choice of friends. But we have someone living with us who is allowed to develop completely independently and, unfortunately, was not carefully selected by us for our flat share. That’s a shame.
But it may well be that we discover innate traits (which may remind us of our own father or mother-in-law – help!) that we cannot get rid of and that may even make us fine with our son moving to the other end of the country at the age of 23 and only seeing him three times a year.
Nobody wants that, but it can happen, even without anyone being mortal enemies or anyone having done anything wrong. What can you do about it?
First tip: ask, ask, ask. This is your best tool for reaching and understanding him without coming across as a schoolmaster or a know-it-all. And that also requires patience. Sometimes it takes many attempts and quite a bit of time.
If you used to have family conferences, it’s worth bringing that back and finding rules together instead of arguing about XY every day. Okay, it’s also normal to have to renegotiate them every few weeks, but then maybe not every day if your son feels seen and you also meet him halfway (get out of your comfort zone).
Second tip: Accept and set boundaries in a caring way. What works and connects you well, what doesn’t work and what compromises can be made? These questions should guide you.
3. School and other responsibilities
Ah, school… It’s as important as it is annoying during adolescence and, unfortunately, all too often doesn’t really fit with what your son needs right now. You might want to give him more responsibility at school, but you don’t want to stay out of it completely either. Difficult!
Here, too, the only thing that helps, apart from tolerance of ambiguity, is a middle ground, which I would call „trust“. This also has a lot to do with leaving your comfort zone. Arguments are just as much a part of this phase as a few miserable grades.
„I have no idea when the test is,“ „I didn’t know there was going to be a test,“ „It doesn’t matter if I study. My grades are rubbish anyway,“ „My maths book? No idea. I think I last saw it before the Christmas holidays.“ – Do these kinds of sentences sound familiar to you? They may already be heard in primary school, but in adolescence they become more common and, in some cases, the norm for many teenagers. There are some excellent teachers, but unfortunately not everywhere. And sometimes classes are so large and demanding that even the best or most motivated teachers find it difficult to get their pupils excited about the subject matter or even minimal participation.
Is your son currently in this situation? Then I can tell you: there is simply little room for school right now. It is really difficult for him to make it a priority. But there is also a certain sluggishness for another reason: do you remember how wild and active your child was when he was of school age? In the mornings, he would start jumping, running and shouting as soon as he woke up.
This energy often disappears when puberty hormones kick in. Even if your son is one of the sporty types who still manages to get himself to football training or mountain biking, the inertia will probably show up elsewhere. Everything has to happen later, just not right now; you should chill out, school shouldn’t be a pain. The bed is the best place in the world, and carrying a used plate to the sink (or even putting it in the dishwasher) is an unreasonable effort. Why is that?
The development of the ego requires all available resources, and the actual progress of mental maturity also tells your son: „Check what makes sense.“ A toddler will easily accept you telling them that you have to walk home together because you want to count the daisies on the way. Your teenage son, on the other hand, will probably be hard to motivate to walk to school: „Why? I have a student ticket and the bus is coming in two minutes!“
As a parent, this can often be annoying, but from a cognitive point of view, it’s great. Your son has an opinion! You don’t just go along with everything blindly, but evaluate and make decisions about your life. The challenging thing about this is the categories he uses to make his decisions. They are probably not always comprehensible to you. But they are still legitimate. He still has to find his way and try out many categories until then.
My motto on this: Your son is not primarily moving away from school (and other obligations), but towards himself and his personality. And unfortunately, this often leads to a significant decline in participation, motivation, etc.
And here’s a tip:
1. Understand that it is not laziness or malicious intent.
2. Help him to set priorities and find a minimum consensus there.
Oh, I could say so much more, including about truancy, dealing with the risk of failing a year, or simply the eternal argument about household chores – but I’ve put all that in the book. Feel free to read more there.
