Dear ones, when we first heard the story of Alessandro, his husband and their little daughter Sofia, we immediately wanted to know more. What was it like getting to know each other, when did you decide to have children and how did you finally decide on the path you took?
We are aware that the surrogacy route is also viewed critically, but we would still ask you to give this individual family story an unbiased chance. Because it obviously means great happiness for those involved…
Dear Alessandro, why don’t you start by telling us who all belongs to your family
?
We are a small but very happy family. Our family has a dad – that’s my husband – a papá – that’s me – a beautiful daughter called Sofia and, of course, our little dog Max.
How did you two meet and fall in love – and was it clear from the start that you also wanted to have children?
I met my partner on holiday ten years ago. It was very funny because we were there with several people at first – Fabian for his sister’s wedding and me with friends. We met for the first time on the beach, I was 31 and was immediately mesmerised by his beautiful blue eyes. We started chatting straight away, in English at first, I didn’t speak any German back then, I’m from Italy. Well, and now I’ve been in Germany for nine years thanks to him.
You moved in with him?Not directly, at first we commuted between Cologne, where Fabian lived, and Florence, where I lived. A classic long-distance relationship. I’m originally from Modena, a small town in northern Italy, where Ferrari, balsamic vinegar and tortellini come from 😉 I then moved to Florence, where I lived for twelve years. After I met Fabian, I was in Cologne every other weekend. After a year of a long-distance relationship, however, I decided to take a sabbatical from my job to see how it would work out if we lived together in the same flat for six months.
And?Yes, what can I say? It worked out really well! Family and children were also an issue for us almost immediately. The only disadvantage I felt at the time as a gay man was that I couldn’t become a father. I love children and for me, family also means a life with children. We then quickly started researching a wide variety of solutions for ourselves.
How did you tackle the topic of becoming parents in concrete terms
?
It took a while before we really started planning to have children. We started talking about it seriously in 2015. We thought about adoption, but then ruled it out for us after a second conversation. We would have been quite far back in a long line of people waiting and it might never have worked out. Statistically, for every child there are 20 parents waiting full of hope.
What happened next?
Foster children were also an issue. In the end, we also decided against it. Mainly because of the emotional bond you build up over the years, only to eventually have to give it back to the family of origin. It was simply not an option we could imagine. You give so much love, build up such a deep bond – and then you have to let go again. Phew.
Later on, the topic of surrogacy cost us a lot of energy. We invested an incredible amount of time in it because, although there are many different options, there were also ethical questions for us. Would it be justifiable? In the case of surrogacy, it would be important to us that she is not genetically involved. In other words, that she is not carrying her biological child, but a child with different genetic roots.
What does that mean in concrete terms?
This means that there is a woman who donates the egg and a woman who carries the child as a surrogate mother, but is not related to the child by blood. So there is no genetic link.
How did you manage that?
We did it in Canada with the help of a clinic in San Diego, California. The woman who donated the egg is from California and the lead mother is from Canada. Why Canada? Canada is one of the few countries that only allows altruistic surrogacy (editor’s note: this means that the woman does not receive any money for carrying the child, but only reimbursement for the costs incurred). In total, there are only three countries worldwide in which this option is exclusively permitted. For this and a few other reasons, we decided to choose Canada.
The country has many years of experience with surrogacy and since 2004 there has been a legally secure path thanks to the Assisted Human Reproduction Act. This has not only made it possible for women who want to help couples to have a child out of altruistic motives, but it is also totally accepted by society. To rule out the possibility that women are only doing it for financial reasons, they receive no financial compensation.
This impressed us, because we didn’t want to support an exploitative system of commercial surrogacy, but really wanted to make sure that the woman does it of her own free will. The costs incurred are prenatal vitamins, medication required during the procedure and pregnancy, maternity clothes, travel costs to medical appointments.
This was very appealing to us and the idea that we could have a biological child with our own sperm donation in this way appealed to us. It certainly creates an emotional connection when you see something of yourself in your own child – in their face, in their behaviour. So in the end, we decided to go down this route.
How did this path work in concrete terms?On the way to our dream child, we received a lot of support from a friend of ours who works for a clinic in San Diego. He helped us make contact with an agency in Canada so that we had the opportunity to meet a surrogate mother. We didn’t choose the surrogate mother, but the other way round. She discovered our profile and wanted to get to know us.
How was it getting to know each other?The first time we met was via Skype and we fell in love straight away. We are still in contact with „Laura“ today, she has become a real friend to us, we don’t call her a surrogate mother because she has simply become much more to us.
Will you tell your child about it?
Of course. For us, transparency is very important for our daughter. She knows „Laura“ and we Skype every fortnight. She also has a son of her own, who is eight years old.
Have you met the surrogate mother in person? What was it like when you first met her
?
We know the whole family of „Laura“, because before our daughter Sofia was born, we visited and got to know the whole family and their friends in Canada.
We were there four weeks before the birth and stayed there until four weeks after the birth.
How was it?
It was wonderful to see how open and tolerant the Canadian culture is and that the family is doing well. We saw: „Laura“ had a job, a great flat, a beautiful car, her father has a company, her friends are great people and they have no hardship or anything like that. In other words, they didn’t need money, they just wanted to help.
Wow!
Yes! What’s more, „Laura“ wanted to have children for a long time before she became pregnant and she enjoyed the pregnancy with her son so much that she wanted to experience it again. She simply had very fond memories of it. She wanted to pass on a piece of her happiness and help a couple like us fulfil their dream of having their own child, which is why she registered with the agency. The important thing is that the woman chooses the couple with whom she can imagine becoming a surrogate mother. So she ultimately chose us, not us her, because she found our story so exciting. However, it was only really an option for her if our child wasn’t her genetic daughter.
And that’s exactly what you did?
Yes, exactly the same. „Laura“ always emphasised how wonderful it was to see Sofia growing up with so much love in our family. That made her super happy and it still does today. She also had no problem giving Sofia away after the birth, because it was clear from the start of the pregnancy that she would carry our baby and that she would grow up with us.
How did you decide who the biological father would be
?
It wasn’t important to us who the father would be genetically, it was just important to us to start a family. From the moment Sofia was born, she was our daughter. There is no biological connection that could make a difference to us. That’s why, when asked about paternity, we always just say: she’s our daughter. It’s not the genetic aspect that is important, but our love and upbringing that characterise her.
What emotions went through your head when the pregnancy test was positive? How did you react
?
When we got the result that our girlfriend was pregnant? It was WOW, like fireworks in the belly. It’s something that you could never concretise and then it really happens and you know that in nine months a child would completely change your lives. That was wonderful for us.
Did you wait nine months to get pregnant?
We were definitely pregnant with her, I gained 12 kilos! 😉 That’s the psychological pregnancy, we skyped with „Laura“ every week and were in close contact. Later we flew there and it was so nice for us to touch this belly, to feel this heart. We were able to follow all the examinations, she „took us along“ via Skype. So we could always see the development of our sweet angel. In the end, it was wonderful to be there for the birth too. It was probably the fastest birth you could ever experience, I think it was 26 minutes. Then Sofia was there.
Tell us about that first moment….
The first thing I did was put her in my arms I had her like that for two and a half hours, gave her her first milk and saw this little creature from eye to eye…. For me, that was simply the most beautiful and emotional moment of my life. The most powerful thing I’ve ever experienced.
How were the first few weeks? Euphoric? Completely exhausted? Emotionally overwhelming? With baby blues?
We stayed in Canada for another four weeks and were very, very happy. Tired too, Sofia was awake every hour and a half. But if the little one even made a noise or if you caught a glimpse of her, all tiredness was forgotten.
Today you are happy as a threesome. Would you do everything the same way again?
Today there are three of us and I can tell you, I would do it again a billion times. Because it was a miracle, a wonderful journey. What a baby can bring as a new family member is indescribable. And the kind of love you develop is also indescribable. It can’t be compared to anything, not to a relationship or to the love you feel for your own parents or for friends or girlfriends.
It’s just so different, so much deeper. You have this huge responsibility, which also puts a bit of pressure on you, because of course you always have a few fears that something could happen. Health, the environment, now corona….
What has changed?
This great love also changes you a lot. The two of us have become much calmer. We think together about how we can best deal with her, how we can bring her up. We read a lot about it. But at the same time, we try to stay a bit crazy and be playful with her, sing really well together and play the piano. We are definitely a very musical family and Sofia loves music too. We are always happy when we can sing and play the piano together. Having a child was simply the right decision for us.
This all sounds almost too good to be true.Of course, having a child isn’t always easy and enjoyable, sometimes it’s difficult and problematic. But overcoming these problems and difficulties together as a family while all family members have the same goal – that is, staying together and talking about problems and solving them – is not a problem, it’s just life.
There is no life without challenges. But it’s fun getting up every day, seeing this little mouse develop and how the little one lives new words or new movements, Sofia is two now and that’s just a super fun age too.
What advice would you like to give to other families who want to have children
?
What I would advise or wish families, whether straight or gay, is that you just have to try to take it as a positive experience, you really have to want it. Children are not toys that you buy and put away again. It’s important to remain yourself and give this being as much love as possible. Children hardly need material things, they don’t need status symbols, they are pure human beings and need presence, love and a lot of patience.
They need to discover the world and sometimes that’s not so easy. And in these moments, we have to stay there, remain calm and accompany the little person.
For us as a gay couple or for gay couples who want to become parents, it’s even more difficult because of the whole process, but if you really want it, you’ll find a way. And yes, a child like that changes a lot of things in everyday life and for the relationship, it will also take away a bit of lightness, you should be aware of that. A decision like this should be made with heart, soul and passion.
In addition to the euphoria and anticipation, it’s important to ask yourself whether it’s possible with a child, how friends and acquaintances who already have children experience it. And if you realise this when everything is sorted and you’re ready to go…. Then it will be simply wonderful.
