Only parents of young children know the feeling of being both overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. Julia, 30, experiences this during her parental leave with her six-month-old daughter. She feels bored with her daily routine of cooking baby food, changing diapers, and rocking the baby, while simultaneously feeling stressed by being responsible for this little human 24 hours a day.
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“What am I even doing right now? I asked myself that again just yesterday. If someone had told me three years ago that I’d be rushing around the apartment with a baby in one arm, a bottle in the other, and a phone wedged between my shoulder and ear because a little human was screaming for food, I would have called them crazy. But this is my new reality. My life as the mother of two wonderful daughters.
My eldest is three and goes to daycare, while I take care of the baby in the mornings. I’ve been on parental leave with her for six months now. I’ve never felt so exhausted and yet so underwhelmed at the same time. Spending the day with an infant is incredibly tiring. But over time, it can also become incredibly boring. I wasn’t prepared for these conflicting emotions.
I love it when the baby lies on her play mat, grabs her toys, chews on them, and squeals with delight. But the feeling that she starts screaming the moment I move half a meter away to make tea or go to the bathroom – that wears me down. Sometimes I sit there for over an hour just watching her. And the next morning, I do it again. And probably the morning after that too.
In my job, I had managerial responsibilities. I held meetings, negotiated, and faced new challenges every day. At the end of the day, my desk was clear, and I felt like I had accomplished something. Best of all, I had evenings off.
Now, in a way, I still have managerial responsibilities – for my daughters. I also hold “meetings” – “Please don’t smear the baby food on the wall.” And yes, my days are still challenging. But everything is different now. I love my daughters. I don’t want to make any mistakes. They are the most important thing in my life. And that creates a pressure I never felt at work – a pressure that is emotionally far more demanding.
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I also miss the feeling of having an evening off.
The parental mental carousel doesn’t stop at 6 p.m. Being a mom is a 24/7 job. I also miss conversations on an equal footing with other adults. I miss the gossip from the office kitchen, the strategic discussions about how to move the company forward. And because feeling unproductive in my baby-filled days makes me unhappy in the long run, I try to give myself tasks.
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Mom’s To-Do List, Task #1: Today, I’ll power wash the patio.
Mom’s Weekly Program, Take Two: I’ll just go ahead and redecorate the kids’ room.
It might sound silly, but otherwise, I’d go crazy. I need to feel like I’ve “accomplished” something by the end of the day. And no, the fourth diaper change or the third bowl of baby food doesn’t count. I feel better when I can see results at the end of the day. I need something I can check off – something that justifies my exhaustion in the evening.
I clean, tidy up, weed the garden – but the garden and kitchen floor don’t say “thank you.” The tasks repeat themselves endlessly. And when the night has been restless, the following day exhausting, and I have a headache while my eldest throws a tantrum, I can’t always react the way I’d like to. Sometimes I raise my voice, and then I feel even worse. Heaven help the person who asks me what I’ve been doing all day…
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We live in the countryside, and I often go days without seeing another adult to talk to. Sure, my husband comes home in the evenings, but otherwise, I feel very disconnected from the outside world right now. On Mondays, I take the baby to a PEKiP class, but I haven’t formed any real friendships there. So, on the other mornings, I sit at home alone with the baby. She doesn’t sleep in the stroller, only in her bed, which further limits my mobility. These restrictions weigh on me.
My day revolves around constantly trying to understand the baby, guessing why she might be crying, and worrying about her well-being. Being available for someone 24/7. The unpredictability! I never know what the next day will bring; nothing can be planned. One minute, everything is calm, and the next, pure chaos breaks out.
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If the baby takes a longer nap, but I need to pick up my eldest from daycare, I have to decide what’s more important. What do I do? Let her sleep longer and feed her on the go? Sterilize the bottles in advance? Oh no, I still need to go grocery shopping. And now the baby is so hungry that she needs to eat first. So, we’re late to daycare, and my eldest is already crying. Then everything comes crashing down, and I just want to cry too. Damn it. In the morning, I was bored vacuuming and tidying up, and now my pulse is at 180. These situations happen daily! How do others manage?
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By the end of the day, I’m completely drained and don’t even know why. My husband works full-time, and we don’t have grandparents nearby to help out. The last time I went out in the evening was a year ago, with a friend at the Kieler Woche festival. With my husband? We tried going out once with a babysitter, but the kids woke up and cried. We haven’t tried again since. So, I feel very restricted in this area too.
Right now, I miss the spontaneity of just going out for a cocktail in the evening or grilling with friends. I see how everyone else’s lives are moving forward, while mine – at least professionally – feels like it’s standing still. That’s not easy, especially when you’ve previously worked in a leadership position and had the freedom to shape things as you saw fit. This stagnation, combined with the overwhelming nature of daily life with kids, is so challenging.
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I know this is just a phase. And I have a wonderful friend I can vent to. I also recharge during walks in the woods with my dog. Or while sewing, which challenges and relaxes me at the same time. As sweet as I often find the baby phase, I’m looking forward to the time when the baby goes to daycare too – and I can start working again. Because a life with work AND kids – that sounds pretty fulfilling to me.
